crushes and school – gay teen

So I wrote briefly about me starting A-levels this year and I cannot really remember what I said, probably something along the lines of, “EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT LAST YEAR WERE LIES!!!” which still remains true, but then there’s also my stupid ass being dragged along the flow of theses new fast-paced lessons, drowning in the workload, and findng that most of what comes in one ear leaves the other. Yay. In case you couldn’t tell I just had a math test on the first textbook that we had to finish in 6 weeks and I realised a little too late that I was severly under-knowledged on basically everything, because I had to write an essay last night on bloody Van Arkel Triangles so had no time to revise the topics!

Okay – rant over (mostly) – I think I’ll just talk about boys for now instead of thinking about how school sucks and I have a double chemistry lesson in 10 minutes… I had a crush on a new boy that joined my school in the beginning of the academic year (so around Sept.), mainly because he was fresh meat and decent looking. 10 weeks later and I actually can’t stand him. He dropped math sets with me and initially I was thrilled because I still had a crush on him but then I got to know him a bit better, and he’s so annoying and immature and basically super stupid (the one thing we share in common).

Wow, this was a weird post, I can totally understand if you’re not impressed by the lacking in quality today but I will try to make it up to you next time, if you decide to come back… Anyway, thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

my friend just came out to me!

So, I’ve already posted today, but I just received some news that just makes my heart melt. I’ve been in my school for 4+ years now, and that’s a record for me since before I used to move around a lot so I never really stayed anywhere longer than 4 years, and I’ve known my friend, we’ll call her Meg, since I came to this school. For the first year we talked, and then the second we barely looked at one another (we had no lessons together), but the last two years we were in the same Art set, and we became really close friends. She was the first girl I came out to last year and we both agree that it made our friendship stronger afterwards. Anyway, today we were just walking and talking when she was telling me about all kinds of things I never knew about her, mainly focused around her family, and then we reached her boarding house and we just stayed outside in the cold, still talking. She had already told me so much she doesn’t like to tell people, and we finally stopped talking. I had a haircut to get to, but she said she wanted to tell me something, but also felt she couldn’t. Randomly, as you do, I simply said, “You’re bisexual?” I don’t know why, because she’d never really stricken me as not straight, but then she nodded and something inside me just burst. I was so happy, and I don’t know why. I don’t want people thinking that I want everyone to be gay or just not hetero, because that’s not true. I believe that the main reason this really struck a chord with me is that there are only two other LGBTQ kids in my year (excluding Meg) and neither are really my friends, but to now find out that one of my best friends isn’t straight, feels amazing; I finally have someone who can relate.

The weirdest part about this is that she’s known for longer than I have, but isn’t out, and thinking back I feel like I should feel hurt that she didn’t come out to me last year when I did, but I guess it doesn’t matter because honestly right now I don’t care. I just feel bad though because I don’t believe she’s ashamed or afraid about her sexuality but she can’t come out fully because she doesn’t believe her parents will accept it, and she may be right. I do hope she’ll have the courage in the future to be able to fully be herself, but until then I have my very own B.B.F (Bisexual Best Friend) whom I’m very proud of!

That last part was a joke, please don’t take offence in it, no one should be objectified by their sexuality or any other feature whether it be mental or physical.

Love, John.

P.S. Apologies for the flag, I had to make one and I’m pretty sure the colours are completely off, but I tried my best…

kissing boys

– QUICK DISCLAIMER: John has never kissed anyone, boy or girl (before he knew). This post should not be taken as an accurate description of what a kiss is but merely a simple yet effective method that John uses to vent his pent-up emotions and fantasies (don’t be dirty…) –

Before I start this post, I’d like to say that I have already written this post before, but it disappeared without a trace 😦 I believe that I lost quite a bit of good material, however I will take it as a sign from the universe not to go off on a tangent about legal sex ages and average loss of virginity ages in the UK.

Now, as another normal boy, I spend my fair share of time imagining situations both sexual and mild. The trade-off between me and others is most likely the difference in the gender of the person I imagine doing these things with. I am no closer to getting a boyfriend than even before I realised I was gay, and currently, I don’t know how I feel about that; I guess I just feel unlucky that there doesn’t seem to be a larger range of people in my school who’d be interested in dating me and vice versa. This doesn’t stop me from imagining my first kiss with Mr Right. I watch a lot of movies, but I’m not a sucker, very few actually give an accurate depiction of what a first kiss is like: weird, uncomfortable and probably awkward. I typically like to imagine kisses in a relationship which, I would hope, would be less messy and more romantic and nice. For example, a kiss in the morning when you first see each other, small, simple but probably amazing or a kiss before some other activities in the bedroom, like jumping on the bed and playing Jenga on a mattress 😉 these kisses would be energetic, full and powerful. Honestly, most of the time I don’t really care how good a kiss is, but rather just hope that I get a boyfriend soon because sometimes I am lonely, and sadly that is because I’m gay. I’m not saying that it is super easy for straight people to find a partner but it’s definitely easier than for non-heterosexuals, especially in boarding schools where we can’t really use devices like dating apps, which as I gather would be the easiest way to find a partner, though isn’t particularly the way I’d like to meet the love of my life.

Anyway, this was a pretty random post but I hope you enjoyed it. Please make sure to share this with others if you feel like it.

Love, John.

gcses and a-levels

So last year I did my GCSEs; I did eleven exams in the subjects: Biology, Art, Physics, Chemistry, Design Technology, Geography, Enlgih Lit and Language, Spanish, Maths and Computing. I was pleasantly surprised late this summer when I received my results to find I had grossly underestimated my knowledge on most of the topics. Here in the UK we use a number system for grading now (I know, it’s really stupid) that goes from 1-9, an 8 being equivilant to what was previosuly an A*, which would mean that a 9 was an A**, or something, right? I think what really happens is that they examiners take the higher percentile of 8 grades and basically change them to 9s, in order to distinguish them. So to get back to me, I was predicted some pretty low grades, and I was truly embarrassed, especially since I associate myself more with “the smart people” rather than the “cool people”, of which most were getting straight 8 predictions. I was even more afraid having taken the real exams and realised that I probably should have started revision a bit earlier, but luckily my best friend short-term memory had been sticking out for me and I managed to achieve a pretty good set of results. In the end I got four 9s, five 8s, one 7 and a 6 (in spanish, have I ever mentioned that I hate languages?).

So those results were followed by incredible relief that I would not have to beg my parents to disown me for wasting their money on school fees. Also, please don’t get the wrong message, I am very grateful for the money my parents invest in my education, but I have a pretty rocky relationship with my attention who enjoys draggin me to see the nest funny video or episode in a dodgy Netflix series (cough, cough, Riverdale, cough!). Jokes aside, Riverdale is amazing! Okay really though, I don’t mean to be a dark-dwelling lowlife who spends most of his life behind a computer screen and obviously I’v been given a second chance in taking my education seriously, so here we are. A-levels are a lot harder than I thought they’d be, I mean we only do four subects now, but it feel even harder than last year. I probably doesn’t help that we’re being told that what we’ve learnt in the past is either completely untrue or a gross oversimplification. Ohhh, I hate Chemistry…

Sorry if this wasn’t what you were looking for, but I hope it was mildly entertaining to read.

. John

i can’t believe it’s been a year

Hi guys, I’m back, for now. I started this blog last December, almost a year ago as a form of self expression at a time I felt I was unable to truly be myself around most the people in my life. Whether you’ve read from this blog before or not, I am an openly gay teen (16) and here I go by the name John. Anyway, this blog was a means of sharing my feelings with anyone when I couldn’t with those I knew personally, but things have changed since. I initially came out to my friends and then the world 8 months ago! I can’t believe it’s been so long, but something else is the reason I am here today right now.

Today, last year I finally accepted that I was gay, and I am absolutely astonished how much has changed in my life and my views on the world. In the past year, though not by much, I managed to crawl out of the lonely dark hole I had found comfortable in the past to actually interact with more than a few select friends. I know what I like in a guy (this probably sounds kind of weird, but for a while I was completely lost and had no idea what I was actually physically attracted to in a man). I have way more friends with which I can openly talk to about most stuff, like boys 😉 Everyone in my year knows who I am (also kind of a weird one) and finally, obviously, I am a thristy bitch looking for a boyfriend. So yeah basically, I kind of consider myself normal for the first time in forever.

Anyway, I’ve lost the plot on what I wanted to say, but basically I’m in one of my highs in my constant swinging moods and I wanted to share that and if anything can be taken from this, it’s that things do get better, you just have to give it time, so stop being so impatient! All jokes aside, I am really happy with who I am and being gay is as amazing as ever.

I hope you’re having a great day or will have a great day!

Love, John.

P.S. make sure to share this with anyone you please and comment on what you might like to read about in the future

don’t be afraid – my story… so far

Chances are that this is the first time that you are reading one of my blog posts. Even though this may be the case, I will not be shamelessly plugging my previous posts, I don’t care if you read them, do what you want to do.

For a long time I questioned my sexuality, mainly based on the fact that I didn’t seem to be as infatuated with girls as all of the other boys. Of course I lied and joined conversations about the girls in my school that “I found fit”, who I liked, you know, the normal stuff. Just under a year ago, I was still just like that. Thinking about that even now seems so bizarre and almost unbelievable. I can’t believe how much my life could have possibly changed in a single year. And just for the record: this is from a kid who moved across the globe for most of his childhood, so yes, I know change. When I found out, no. When I accepted who I was, I was filled with a mangled concoction of feelings, I was happy, still confused, dazed, mildy upset but most of all excited. I had just opened one of the greatest chapters of my life and now I could explore it. I buried myself in research on the LGBTQ+ community, hungry to discover what I was a part of. Even with all of this newfound knowledge and excitement though, I was afraid to tell those closest to me about my true self. I couldn’t tell my loving supportive family for 5 months. I came out through Instagram to everyone, perhaps mistakedly as it led to my aunt accidently outing me to my parents before I had the chance to tell them myself.

Now that I was out, I was hit with another rush of excitement, my life would be so different and for the better. I didn’t have to supress myself for the fear of people calling me gay, because who cares, it’s true. It wasn’t exactly smooth sailing from there and strangely enough I found trouble right where I least expected it: home. In all of the holidays that have passed since coming out, I don’t think I haven’t had a serious argument with my parents. I don’t blame them, in fact I don’t think it has anything to do with them having any problem with having a gay son, and more my frustration that they couldn’t see what I was going through. Coming out wasn’t what I expected. Deep down in my mind I had stupidly thought that coming out would inspire others in the closet to do the same. It wasn’t the case, and by the time the summer vacations arrived I felt more alone than ever before. There was no one I could talk to about what I was going through and about how I felt. Obviously, I had my friends but they don’t understand. As heterosexuals they grew up with role models and people just like them that they could ask anything and be given an answer. As of today, I still have no true friends, or for that matter know anyone in the LGBTQ+ community other than two kids at my school. There are no adults that I can just simply ask questions about what I feel. This feeling of complete isolation and the fact that I’m finally growing and have a enormous amount of hormones flowing violently through my body has led to serious mood swings that I think of as my highs and lows. In my highs I would be energetic, figgity, dancing, chatting and overall just having a great time. In my lows, I’ve reached the depths of sorrow that I previously ignored and didn’t even believe the existence of. I hated myself and took all my anger out on whoever was closest and easiest.

I don’t blame this on myself being gay, more on the society that once was and still has its deep roots in today’s life, keeping hate and fear for non-heterosexuals alive.

If you are still reading this, I am grateful because now I do get to tell you that it does get better, even if only by a little bit in the beginning. Having come back to my school for a fifth year (the longest I’ve ever been in one school) and my second last before I leave for university, I wanted to do something that meant something. If you are a US reader, then this may not seem so impressive, but here in the UK, it is not terribly common to have school LGBTQ+ clubs. That’s why I’ve decided to create my school’s first LGBTQ+ club with the two other “out” people in my year, and honestly planning it and just the thought has sent me spiralling out of this sad, cold depression and it feels like one of my highs without and end!

Please, if you are a young LGBTQ+ member we don’t have to be afraid. I am really sorry for those whom it is dangerous to be out for, but those of us in more accepting environments shouldn’t be afraid. Coming out isn’t a big deal and certainly isn’t something to fear.

Clearly, I am only 16 years old, so I don’t suggest taking my complete word for it, but I really hope that this can help people , and empower those like myself. You aren’t alone, you may just have to look a little harder for your friends than those around you.

Lots of Love, John.

perceptions on being gay

Before I start on what I am about to say, a quick disclaimer: I’ve only really accepted that I was gay about 7 months ago and have been out for 3 months, so I won’t pretend that I am a full grown gay veteran who’s been through all of it. I haven’t. Surprisingly the largest amount of homophobia I have encountered, so far, was during school from a classmate who told me I was gross the day after I came out. I’m not even sure if that was because of my updated sexual orientation status or because I was cramming cheese puffs by the handful in to my mouth…

With this considered, I think that I am extremely lucky to be in an environment where it is not only safe to be gay, but accepted (by almost everyone).

I haven’t been writing recently in my blog because I’ve just had my GCSEs (basically very important British exams students take when they’re 15/16). Luckily, my last exam is tomorrow, after which I get to leave school two weeks earlier than the rest for summer break. Anyway, back to the topic of this post: perceptions on being gay.

Ever since I accepted that I was gay, it became increasingly obvious to myself how my perception on being gay had basically done a u-turn from “it’s probably just a phase” to “I am genuinely happy that I’m gay, and it doesn’t matter that I am.” Before the night of my final acceptance I was actively checking out guys, and this is going to sound weird but I did it because I thought that somehow acting on my homosexual impulses would release all the urges so that I could finally be normal.

When I was twelve, around the time that I started “becoming a man” I had begun to notice that, although I knew the way the other boys were talking about girls was exaggerated, I wasn’t like them. It was like they knew something that I didn’t and it hurt to feel so excluded. Now I tried to find this “missing piece” that held me back from being like the other boys; I chose a girl in my school and said I liked her. I was pretty stupid. She ended up becoming my best friend for a while and I felt empty when she wasn’t around. I thought I had finally become a normal boy, because I was obsessed with a girl.

I’m not really sure if that’s relevant to the point I’m trying to get across, but basically what I’m trying to say is that now, I would never try to do that and I think that has something to do with being open about myself to myself, if that makes sense. To put it simply: before I accepted myself, I pushed myself to like girls and now that I have accepted myself I would be repulsed by the idea of it. Basically my perception on being gay had changed upon accepting being gay and for some reason that really intrigues me.

Quick side note – when I say “accept myself” though I do accept myself being gay, I more mean that it was the moment that I no longer dismissed it as a phase or told myself that I didn’t like boys. It was like a sudden jerk into reality that I was in fact a homosexual.

Let’s get back on track. I know that a part of it could be that I have to change my perception on being gay before I can truly accept myself, yet I’ve heard of so many people who obviously have had their “jerk in to reality” on being gay and still not being okay with it or accepting of others. Why is there a sudden change in perception? Is it because we’re now in the long haul and may as well stop resisting the currents of change? (I know, great metaphor) Why can one day someone be mortified by the possibility of being gay and the next be entranced by it. This was the case for me atleast.

Why do we fear being possibly gay when we aren’t sure and love it when we are sure? I’m not complaining, but I don’t understand the mental shift that we can go through so quickly upon an event that changes our lives such as the “jerk to reality” in discovering our homosexual orientation.

When I try head around it

I hope this wasn’t a complete waste of time for you like it might have been for me with an exam tomorrow after all. Maybe I’m just a dumb simpleton but for me this begs the question of why is there even a shift in perception, because really there shouldn’t be. It 2019 for heaven’s sake! It shouldn’t matter whether your gay, trans, lesbian, straight, pan or anything else, so why are so many people (myself included) afraid to come out to a modern and accepting community (in those countries where this actually applies). Thinking about this right now, when I am tired and totally not ready for an exam tomorrow morning makes me really angry and deeply upset. Is it because even in today’s modern accepting community, hints of internalised homophobia lurk around the corners of our streets tucked out of our view yet still present and haunting. I’m not going to say anymore because I’ve reached the point where I probably need to do more research and analysing of stuff in order to not make an even larger moron of myself than I already have.

Thank you for reading, I wish it was somewhat entertaining on your behalf.

That Boy.