more about relationships

If you’ve been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know that my name is John and I am 15 years old. This means that I am in school and in fact in a very important year for any British student of my age because of the looming GCSEs that coming in June. About 2 weeks ago I had these practice examinations called “mocks” that we do in order to get a taste for how GCSE exams are and what the marking scheme is like. I’ve already gotten these results back and from them, it is obvious that I have not studied enough (some were good, though most were borderline acceptable for my parents and teachers). This leads me to the question: how is it that I manage to avoid/ignore all revision opportunities and advice that I have? The simple answer is distractions. I pride myself on the extent of movies and tv series I’ve watched as this means I can typically chip into any interesting conversations about most of them. It’s become an addiction however that is interfering with my studies. It probably sounds stupid to call it an addiction when there are more serious cases of it with alcohol and gambling, but I’m serious as it can simply take me over during boring revision. One minute I’m doing a practice Biology paper and the next I’m watching the latest episode of “Riverdale” or watching the new Netflix movie that I know isn’t that good but can’t help myself.

Another important (maybe not as significant as the last 😉 is the dating/meeting up of two of my closest friends. These are not the ones I talked about in one of my previous blogs. This is a relationship that would make my heart melt if it succeeds. He is Jim, a tall half-asian half-brit, strong and muscly and one of the best swimmers in the school who is in my house (the school is separated into multiple “houses”) and been my friend since we met over 2 years ago. She is Lili, short, funny and compelling in a way I can’t explain and sometimes the reason I’m scared that maybe I actually haven’t fully discovered my sexuality. I’ve known her for a year longer than Jim, but only became proper good friends last year whilst attending the same art class. They are 2 of the 5 people I’ve told that I’m gay and I might go as far as saying that I love them (in the friend way). The weird thing going on between the two is something that’s been going on since the night I told Lili about my sexuality about a month ago. We were going on a walk through town on Saturday night, talking about our lives and stuff and I had been trying to tell her that I was gay for about a week but never found the right moment. We were walking down my house’s street and I can’t recall exactly what we were talking about but I decided it was time and told her I had something to tell her and that it was important and immediately she cut me off saying “Let me guess, you’re gay?” in a jokingly way. I’d like to say that I was stunned by the straight forward guess, but I’ve found lately that this is what most people strangely think of when someone says they have something important to say and it’s kind of annoying because although I did call it something important, it shouldn’t really be the immediate assumption. That’s not important though. Whilst asking me she was looking at me and the look on my face must have shocked her because she mustn’t have been expecting me to not deny it. She first asked me if I was joking or being serious, but upon confirmation she smiled at me and said, “ok”. We then resumed our conversation of favourite Riverdale moments and characters. Jim, I had told the week before and he too was completely unchanged in his attitude towards me afterwards; it was almost as if they already knew (they have however confirmed that they had not suspicions of me being gay). 

I love that the thing between them could be something more and I am somewhat largely involved in getting them together, but at the same time, I have a weird feeling inside me that heavily counters my newfound sexuality’s characteristics. One of the main things that this includes is the longing to be with Lili and talk about everything (perhaps boys, because I know so much that I am attracted to men). I’ve considered what this could mean and come to the conclusion that it is more of a brother-sister feeling that I’ve got with her and me being protective maybe, hopefully.

The thing is that I know myself and I don’t like women, but Lili did throw my feelings off balance for a while. As I’m writing I get the feeling that it has been almost therapeutic; releasing my raging emotions and feelings has allowed me to think properly about them for real and know that I’m not a liar when I’m talking about my sexuality. 

I’m really hope that this was somewhat entertaining or nice to read about; it doesn’t matter whether you only read this because you were bored, it’s nice to know that I can share my secrets and stories with everybody in the world (or at least those that have access to a computer). Please contact me or leave a comment for any feedback or suggestions on future topics for blogs and remember to follow me on WordPress and Instagram @anothernormalboy. Also, tag anything you feel is related to me or my life or sexuality with #anothernormalboy. 

Thanks for reading, John.

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