i’m being unreasonable

It’s not really fair, but currently I’m being unreasonably angry, annoyed, jealous and a little rude with my roommate. He found out this morning that he won the Google Code-In competition, which is actually a really big deal because only about 58 out of 20,000 people who participated win. Because, he’s won the competition, he’s going to San Fransisco for a couple days in June, where he’ll be taken around the place, to Facebook and Google HQ, etc. It’s a really amazing experience, and I would be lying if I said that he didn’t deserve to be a winner. He is a serious coder, and really enjoys all the work he does, which is probably one of the reasons I’m annoyed with him right now. How can he already know what he likes, be good at it and win a worldwide competition doing it, when I’m still as sure of what I want to do as a melon is sure it’s a melon. Melons are inanimate objects, so the metaphor works. Being a winner in the competition also gives him a major boost in his CV, especially since he wants to do a computing-related course at university. I was fine before, even though he had coding and that was his thing because oher than that we were still at the same place, but now he’s miles ahead and it’s a horrible shocker that the real world is approaching even quicker. I hate how ready he is to find his place in the world and that he’ll probably end up leaving me behind as he goes to some amazing american university and I’m stuck in England, messaging him a couple times a month, until we stop communicating altogether. Maybe this would have been fine, if he was just my roommate, but he’s my best friend, we’ve been friends for over four years, and going strong. This is something that I’ve never done before, because of all the moving across the world every couple of years. In no way am I complaining that I got such an experience as living all over the world as a child but it was hard because, I can say I’ll stay close to my friends, but really, we eventually lose contact and they become as distant as the strangers I pass on the sidewalks. I’ve already lost so many best friends, and I really don’t want to lose my roommate.

I guess that I’m just jealous that he’s going to do really well in life, whilst enjoying it, unlike myself, and in the process of becoming amazing, I’ll probably be left behind.

crushes and school – gay teen

So I wrote briefly about me starting A-levels this year and I cannot really remember what I said, probably something along the lines of, “EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT LAST YEAR WERE LIES!!!” which still remains true, but then there’s also my stupid ass being dragged along the flow of theses new fast-paced lessons, drowning in the workload, and findng that most of what comes in one ear leaves the other. Yay. In case you couldn’t tell I just had a math test on the first textbook that we had to finish in 6 weeks and I realised a little too late that I was severly under-knowledged on basically everything, because I had to write an essay last night on bloody Van Arkel Triangles so had no time to revise the topics!

Okay – rant over (mostly) – I think I’ll just talk about boys for now instead of thinking about how school sucks and I have a double chemistry lesson in 10 minutes… I had a crush on a new boy that joined my school in the beginning of the academic year (so around Sept.), mainly because he was fresh meat and decent looking. 10 weeks later and I actually can’t stand him. He dropped math sets with me and initially I was thrilled because I still had a crush on him but then I got to know him a bit better, and he’s so annoying and immature and basically super stupid (the one thing we share in common).

Wow, this was a weird post, I can totally understand if you’re not impressed by the lacking in quality today but I will try to make it up to you next time, if you decide to come back… Anyway, thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

gcses and a-levels

So last year I did my GCSEs; I did eleven exams in the subjects: Biology, Art, Physics, Chemistry, Design Technology, Geography, Enlgih Lit and Language, Spanish, Maths and Computing. I was pleasantly surprised late this summer when I received my results to find I had grossly underestimated my knowledge on most of the topics. Here in the UK we use a number system for grading now (I know, it’s really stupid) that goes from 1-9, an 8 being equivilant to what was previosuly an A*, which would mean that a 9 was an A**, or something, right? I think what really happens is that they examiners take the higher percentile of 8 grades and basically change them to 9s, in order to distinguish them. So to get back to me, I was predicted some pretty low grades, and I was truly embarrassed, especially since I associate myself more with “the smart people” rather than the “cool people”, of which most were getting straight 8 predictions. I was even more afraid having taken the real exams and realised that I probably should have started revision a bit earlier, but luckily my best friend short-term memory had been sticking out for me and I managed to achieve a pretty good set of results. In the end I got four 9s, five 8s, one 7 and a 6 (in spanish, have I ever mentioned that I hate languages?).

So those results were followed by incredible relief that I would not have to beg my parents to disown me for wasting their money on school fees. Also, please don’t get the wrong message, I am very grateful for the money my parents invest in my education, but I have a pretty rocky relationship with my attention who enjoys draggin me to see the nest funny video or episode in a dodgy Netflix series (cough, cough, Riverdale, cough!). Jokes aside, Riverdale is amazing! Okay really though, I don’t mean to be a dark-dwelling lowlife who spends most of his life behind a computer screen and obviously I’v been given a second chance in taking my education seriously, so here we are. A-levels are a lot harder than I thought they’d be, I mean we only do four subects now, but it feel even harder than last year. I probably doesn’t help that we’re being told that what we’ve learnt in the past is either completely untrue or a gross oversimplification. Ohhh, I hate Chemistry…

Sorry if this wasn’t what you were looking for, but I hope it was mildly entertaining to read.

. John

more about relationships

If you’ve been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know that my name is John and I am 15 years old. This means that I am in school and in fact in a very important year for any British student of my age because of the looming GCSEs that coming in June. About 2 weeks ago I had these practice examinations called “mocks” that we do in order to get a taste for how GCSE exams are and what the marking scheme is like. I’ve already gotten these results back and from them, it is obvious that I have not studied enough (some were good, though most were borderline acceptable for my parents and teachers). This leads me to the question: how is it that I manage to avoid/ignore all revision opportunities and advice that I have? The simple answer is distractions. I pride myself on the extent of movies and tv series I’ve watched as this means I can typically chip into any interesting conversations about most of them. It’s become an addiction however that is interfering with my studies. It probably sounds stupid to call it an addiction when there are more serious cases of it with alcohol and gambling, but I’m serious as it can simply take me over during boring revision. One minute I’m doing a practice Biology paper and the next I’m watching the latest episode of “Riverdale” or watching the new Netflix movie that I know isn’t that good but can’t help myself.

Another important (maybe not as significant as the last 😉 is the dating/meeting up of two of my closest friends. These are not the ones I talked about in one of my previous blogs. This is a relationship that would make my heart melt if it succeeds. He is Jim, a tall half-asian half-brit, strong and muscly and one of the best swimmers in the school who is in my house (the school is separated into multiple “houses”) and been my friend since we met over 2 years ago. She is Lili, short, funny and compelling in a way I can’t explain and sometimes the reason I’m scared that maybe I actually haven’t fully discovered my sexuality. I’ve known her for a year longer than Jim, but only became proper good friends last year whilst attending the same art class. They are 2 of the 5 people I’ve told that I’m gay and I might go as far as saying that I love them (in the friend way). The weird thing going on between the two is something that’s been going on since the night I told Lili about my sexuality about a month ago. We were going on a walk through town on Saturday night, talking about our lives and stuff and I had been trying to tell her that I was gay for about a week but never found the right moment. We were walking down my house’s street and I can’t recall exactly what we were talking about but I decided it was time and told her I had something to tell her and that it was important and immediately she cut me off saying “Let me guess, you’re gay?” in a jokingly way. I’d like to say that I was stunned by the straight forward guess, but I’ve found lately that this is what most people strangely think of when someone says they have something important to say and it’s kind of annoying because although I did call it something important, it shouldn’t really be the immediate assumption. That’s not important though. Whilst asking me she was looking at me and the look on my face must have shocked her because she mustn’t have been expecting me to not deny it. She first asked me if I was joking or being serious, but upon confirmation she smiled at me and said, “ok”. We then resumed our conversation of favourite Riverdale moments and characters. Jim, I had told the week before and he too was completely unchanged in his attitude towards me afterwards; it was almost as if they already knew (they have however confirmed that they had not suspicions of me being gay). 

I love that the thing between them could be something more and I am somewhat largely involved in getting them together, but at the same time, I have a weird feeling inside me that heavily counters my newfound sexuality’s characteristics. One of the main things that this includes is the longing to be with Lili and talk about everything (perhaps boys, because I know so much that I am attracted to men). I’ve considered what this could mean and come to the conclusion that it is more of a brother-sister feeling that I’ve got with her and me being protective maybe, hopefully.

The thing is that I know myself and I don’t like women, but Lili did throw my feelings off balance for a while. As I’m writing I get the feeling that it has been almost therapeutic; releasing my raging emotions and feelings has allowed me to think properly about them for real and know that I’m not a liar when I’m talking about my sexuality. 

I’m really hope that this was somewhat entertaining or nice to read about; it doesn’t matter whether you only read this because you were bored, it’s nice to know that I can share my secrets and stories with everybody in the world (or at least those that have access to a computer). Please contact me or leave a comment for any feedback or suggestions on future topics for blogs and remember to follow me on WordPress and Instagram @anothernormalboy. Also, tag anything you feel is related to me or my life or sexuality with #anothernormalboy. 

Thanks for reading, John.

life

Firstly I’d like to clarify that this blog is purely a means of release of stress and mental energy by writing completely about myself and my life, you won’t gain anything out of this other than knowing a bit about me for when you’re bored or possibly feeling a bit stalkerish ;-).

Hi, my name is John and I’m 15 years old. I’m just a kid, apparently. I have some very important exams next year in June called GCSEs and I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of afraid as these are some of the most important exams of my life, determining whether I stay in my current school, what subjects I will be choosing in the next academic year and can affect university applications. Effectively, they play a large role in my future endeavors. 

In my school I wouldn’t call myself a popular or “cool” kid though everyone seems to know my name as I am the silent, small (but finally growing) intriguing boy that everybody seems to remember from a school play 3 years ago. Frankly, I don’t have many friends and that is my fault, I’m quite a sour person and normally find myself more drawn to the unpopular teens of my year other than the jittery and wild girls or big punk guys. I could probably count the number of proper friends I have on 2 hands, but these aren’t those that I know and then occasionally talk to. These are the people I talk to every day and could call my family (we do in fact refer to ourselves as a little dysfunctional family), but like a real family we have our fallouts and currently, because of a relationship between two of us, tensions have been slowly but steadily rising. It doesn’t help that I’m keeping a pretty significant secret from them and Daisy (the one who’s in a relationship) constantly complains about being mentally exhausted and stressed from current occurrences with her other friends. This is not only annoying since, not to be self-obsessed, she’s not the only one stressed or tired and her friends are annoyed at her because she lied to them and once the news came out she told them that she hadn’t told them because she didn’t trust them. Yikes! The directly affects another member of the family who was one the people Daisy told this to. The weirdest part though is that it seems to be a couple’s thing since David (her boyfriend) seems to be increasing irritating lately as well, constantly whining like a child, talking about himself and his success in relationships and being best friends with one of the loudest and egotistical people I know.

On another not-completely-unrelated topic, my love life (can we call it that at my age?) is more uneventful than ever now that I’ve confirmed that I absolutely, most definitely don’t feel attraction to women. Why does this make it more uneventful? Although I’d never have the courage to do it, at least being straight means there’s a much higher chance of finding someone who you like, and most importantly, is attracted to your someone of your gender (in case you didn’t get it I was describing a female). Being a closeted gay boy in a secondary school with only 100 boys in your year makes it quite difficult to start a same-sex relationship with someone who you actually like, not just any gay boy who comes around. Something that confuses me about this thought process of relationships, is that it also seems unlike anything I had ever experienced or thought of before. Obviously I had thought about having a girlfriend in the past but only because that was what I had seen around me and in movies and I never really ever felt deeper emotions than a need to seem normal by having a girlfriend because I thought that once I reached that step everything would fall in place. The truth is that I was never going to know what would happen afterwards because, deep down, my conscious had other plans for me. One of the reasons I probably never really considered a same-sex relationship for myself was because first off it wasn’t seen as normal and I think that, off the top of my head, I can only remember ever meeting one gay couple though only because my parents told me that I’d met them as a child. So in reality, due to a lack of exposure to same-sex relationship couples, I never thought of the idea to have that kind of relationship.

I think that I have sufficiently drained most of my energy, so that’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed leaching from my small life events and leave any comments on things you’d like me to write about or ways I could improve my writing.