party time

Hi my name is John and I’m writing for the first time a blog on my phone, because I have no access to a computer. The reason for this is because I’m at a party for one of my family member’s important birthday and therefore the whole family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is here to celebrate it.

If I’m at a party though, why am I on my phone writing a blog instead of socializing with my family? The obvious answer to that is that most of them are a few years older than me and though that doesn’t seem like it would make a big deal, it does when I’m 15 and they’re over 18 (the legal drinking age). Therefore they’ve all achieved being drunk, playing weird beer games and I sit at the far end of the table absent-mindedly staring at their fun and typing a blog on my phone. Fun.

Another reason I’m writing in for the fact that not only am I bored but anxious for something that simultaneously I do and don’t want to do. If I did do it then it would probably be a huge relief and weight lifted off my shoulders. However some of them may not like it or believe me and if I do do it then I cannot really take it back if it turns out I’m wrong, which is something that greatly worries me. The only reason the idea of it occurred to me is because this is quite an emotional event and the whole family is here, so I could come clean to all of them at once, but now some have already left and the rest are preoccupied with conversations and I don’t really have to guts.

This leads to something that has recently been worrying me. In my first blog posting I came out as gay and I really do believe I’m gay most of the time as I can’t really think of women in a sexual manner. I have a fear however that one day I may actually fall in love with a woman and not be gay and then I’d have to explain everything to the people I came out to that I in fact was not gay, which would not only be an awkward conversation but lead to future distrust of me. This also scares me because I want to be gay. It’s that simple, upon coming out to myself I’ve decided that I do not want to be straight. I want to be in a same-sex relationship and it scares me to think that maybe this is just a phase and that I will not end up with my own Knight in shining armour but with the beautiful princess.

Finally I think that I’ve run my mouth enough for tonight. I’m sorry if it’s a bit short or doesn’t really make sense, though I am writing this at midnight so I hope you can forgive me if that’s the case. Please contact me or leave a comment for any feedback on writing styles or topics and please do give suggestions to what you’d be interested in reading.

Goodnight, John.

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