Before I start on what I am about to say, a quick disclaimer: I’ve only really accepted that I was gay about 7 months ago and have been out for 3 months, so I won’t pretend that I am a full grown gay veteran who’s been through all of it. I haven’t. Surprisingly the largest amount of homophobia I have encountered, so far, was during school from a classmate who told me I was gross the day after I came out. I’m not even sure if that was because of my updated sexual orientation status or because I was cramming cheese puffs by the handful in to my mouth…
With this considered, I think that I am extremely lucky to be in an environment where it is not only safe to be gay, but accepted (by almost everyone).
I haven’t been writing recently in my blog because I’ve just had my GCSEs (basically very important British exams students take when they’re 15/16). Luckily, my last exam is tomorrow, after which I get to leave school two weeks earlier than the rest for summer break. Anyway, back to the topic of this post: perceptions on being gay.
Ever since I accepted that I was gay, it became increasingly obvious to myself how my perception on being gay had basically done a u-turn from “it’s probably just a phase” to “I am genuinely happy that I’m gay, and it doesn’t matter that I am.” Before the night of my final acceptance I was actively checking out guys, and this is going to sound weird but I did it because I thought that somehow acting on my homosexual impulses would release all the urges so that I could finally be normal.
When I was twelve, around the time that I started “becoming a man” I had begun to notice that, although I knew the way the other boys were talking about girls was exaggerated, I wasn’t like them. It was like they knew something that I didn’t and it hurt to feel so excluded. Now I tried to find this “missing piece” that held me back from being like the other boys; I chose a girl in my school and said I liked her. I was pretty stupid. She ended up becoming my best friend for a while and I felt empty when she wasn’t around. I thought I had finally become a normal boy, because I was obsessed with a girl.
I’m not really sure if that’s relevant to the point I’m trying to get across, but basically what I’m trying to say is that now, I would never try to do that and I think that has something to do with being open about myself to myself, if that makes sense. To put it simply: before I accepted myself, I pushed myself to like girls and now that I have accepted myself I would be repulsed by the idea of it. Basically my perception on being gay had changed upon accepting being gay and for some reason that really intrigues me.
Quick side note – when I say “accept myself” though I do accept myself being gay, I more mean that it was the moment that I no longer dismissed it as a phase or told myself that I didn’t like boys. It was like a sudden jerk into reality that I was in fact a homosexual.
Let’s get back on track. I know that a part of it could be that I have to change my perception on being gay before I can truly accept myself, yet I’ve heard of so many people who obviously have had their “jerk in to reality” on being gay and still not being okay with it or accepting of others. Why is there a sudden change in perception? Is it because we’re now in the long haul and may as well stop resisting the currents of change? (I know, great metaphor) Why can one day someone be mortified by the possibility of being gay and the next be entranced by it. This was the case for me atleast.
Why do we fear being possibly gay when we aren’t sure and love it when we are sure? I’m not complaining, but I don’t understand the mental shift that we can go through so quickly upon an event that changes our lives such as the “jerk to reality” in discovering our homosexual orientation.
I hope this wasn’t a complete waste of time for you like it might have been for me with an exam tomorrow after all. Maybe I’m just a dumb simpleton but for me this begs the question of why is there even a shift in perception, because really there shouldn’t be. It 2019 for heaven’s sake! It shouldn’t matter whether your gay, trans, lesbian, straight, pan or anything else, so why are so many people (myself included) afraid to come out to a modern and accepting community (in those countries where this actually applies). Thinking about this right now, when I am tired and totally not ready for an exam tomorrow morning makes me really angry and deeply upset. Is it because even in today’s modern accepting community, hints of internalised homophobia lurk around the corners of our streets tucked out of our view yet still present and haunting. I’m not going to say anymore because I’ve reached the point where I probably need to do more research and analysing of stuff in order to not make an even larger moron of myself than I already have.
Thank you for reading, I wish it was somewhat entertaining on your behalf.