2010s – why I’ll miss them

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With only 16 days lef tin this decade, I’ve started to feel more turbulent emotions of how I feel that a huge new chapter is opening in my constantly growing and exhausting life. I don’t mean to say that I have it terribly hard but the last year in particular was much heavier than those that preceded it.

I’m in a boarding school and I’ve tried talking to my roommate about what it feels like to leave this decade, and that’s where we seem to have horrifically differing opinions on what it should mean to us. For him, he doesn’t seem to care very much and that kind of makes me upset. I’m 16 and he’s 17, and I can’t see why he doesn’t see the significance of this decade to us and our generation. It was the 2010s that we began to become who we are today. Before 6 years old I seriously didn’t know anything, other than to walk, talk and sleep. Admittedly I was probably behind most children as it took me until I was seven to learn the months of the year (I was preocupied watching Ben 10 and such other things obviously). This was the decade I began my “serious” education, I began to form my own concious, no longer completely following all my parents and superior’s orders or rules. I questioned authority and really thought about things. This was both good and bad but in the end made me who I am. My last year without a doubt was definetly the one in which I truly became who I am. Up until I was fifteen I had probably grown as a person by 50% and the other 50% was from this last year. I had my GCSEs, I made most of my friends, I embraced my true identity and accepted my suppressed sexuality after so many years and then came out. This academic year I’ve started the works of making LGBTQ+ members of my school more empowered and less afraid, though there still is a lot to do. All I can say is that at the beginning of September last year, I could not have possibly imagined how much my life would have evolved and it makes me both nostalgic and on the verge of tears as I think back to the days of me trying to be someone who was not really me.

Enough on me, I imagine that a lot will have changed for older people on this planet. Some would have gotten married and had kids in this single decade. People have been crossing the globe in a constant fret, so many people that are to dictate the future were born, whilst so many also have moved on to whatever comes after this life. I don’t really know how I feel about a new decade where I am actually concious and thinking, “wow, a new decade”, but I believe it’s something between sadness, regret and a spark of happiness and hope for an even brighter future.

I really hope everyone has enjoyed the last decade as I did for the most part and it’s times like this that make you really think about life I believe. I’m sure you may have regrets about the last decade but also can look back at the good times too.

I think I should probably stop this ramble, whislt I still am somewhat emotionally intact, but thank everyone for the average, crap, mediocre, amazing, fantastic, trash, fab and something of a decade, and wish you the best for 2020.

Love,

John.

how it feels, a year later

Just over a week ago, I wrote a post on the “one year anniversary” of me accepting/realising that I was gay. On that day I rewatched the movie that changed my life, Alex Strangelove. On the eleventh of November in 2018, on a Sunday night, I watched that movie and was absolutely hysterical by the end. I will admit, rewatching it a year later, the film no longer had the same impact on me, but I think that’s just because know I’ve known for so long now and since “being gay” I have binged on all types of media depicting gay relationships, the movie being the first. I will also admit that (spoilers incoming) in the end, when Alex grabs Elliott’s wrist and pulls him in to a kiss, that’s got to be one of the best gay kiss scenes I have ever watched.

Now, less on then and more on now. When I wrote the other post, I don’t think I really felt the difference, but this afternoon, whilst doing some art and listening to music, I got lost in my thoughts and this came to mind upon looking at the time on my phone, of which the wallpaper showed the date of the one year anniversary (so I didn’t forget, because, yes I am kind of stupid). I thought about how t didn’t seem like a big deal but then I thought deeper, “Just over a year ago, I thought I was going to fall in love and marry a woman,” and then I looked at my hands, “I thought I wanted to hungrily grasp the body of, not a man, but a woman with these hands.” (Geez, John, getting a bit graphic there, perhaps?). I was completely dumbfounded, my life was massively changed by the simple acceptance of my sexuality and of course, I’ve known and stated this before, but for a while that spark of excitement and happiness had been absent. I think of how I tried to look at women and think, I like that, and how now I naturally check out guys who peak my interest. Thinking harder about this, I remember feeling that I was never going to be normal because for some reason I didn’t enjoy checking out people of the other gender (or any gender for that matter at that point in time) like those around me. I remember being so annoyed that I didn’t seem to be crushing on anyone like the rest of the people in my school, that I was a total outsider. I remember I boy two years above me in my boarding house who was openly gay, when I was thirteen and thinking, wait? and then ignoring that question and joining the other boys in saying homophobic slurs and stereotypes behind his back, though secretly wondering about talking to him. I remember being repulsed by the thought of boys wearing makeup or jewelry and now I feel so much better with these things on me (I’m not crazy with makeup, but I do like a bit of eyeliner). Everything is different and for the better, I am a better person, and finally understand myself and what I am and I look forward to the date that marks my “one year being openly gay” and when I get my first boyfriend, not girlfriend which I thought it would be for so many years.

I hope that anyone in or out of the closet or just straight can read this and feel happy. Knowing myself and then being myself for the first time in 15 years was incredible and unfortunately I had to live those first 15 years as a watered-down version of myself but now I am really me. Thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

weird celebrity crushes?

Have you ever watched a movie and just found that one of the actors is really attractive not just because physically they’re gorgeous, but then the character they’re playing has a dress style or has their hair in the way you just like it, so you’re extra into them? And then you do a quick internet search and find that they look surprisingly different as themselves and secretly feel dissapointed, especially after quickly scrolling to their “personal life” section in Wikipedia and finding that they are straight, married and have children! Since accepting that I was gay, I’ve had many small celebrity crushes that just came and went after watching a movie or series. A couple months ago I was really into Paul Rudd (even though he’s much, much older than me, I know) and recently I watched a couple episodes of Teen Wolf and both Dylan O’Brien and Tyler Posey have turned my head on multiple occasions.

Also, this will probably relate more with LGBTQ+ members, but has anyone else noticed how many memes there are that you read and then think, what the hell, that’s exactly what I do? I understand that lots of people are alike and act similarly, but I always considered myself somewhat different and unique (not that it was necessarily in a good way), but the shocking number of random Reddit and Instgram posts that I completely relate with is clearly dissproving my theory of being an outsider. I think my favourite meme is probably one where Lisa Simpson is getting her cup filled with rainbow liquid called “that gay shit”, not only because I’d found it whilst literally doing what the meme was describing, but also because it was one of the first of many memes that I would discover spoke to my heart.

This is not my meme, I take no credit.

Anyway, thanks for reading and see you later.

John.

P.S. comment if you’d like a post about memes specifically, because I think it could be quite fun, but it’s really up to what you want to read.

i guess this is just a filler

First of all, apologies for anyone who was displeased or even offended by my last post, it may not have been the most tasteful… Today I don’t have much of a theme for what I want to talk about so I think I’ll just add in some extra details to previous ones that I missed, however believe are somewhat crucial. And I know what you’re thinking, “John, if they’re so crucial for the points you’re trying to get across why didn’t you mention them in the actual post?” My answer to you: I honestly don’t know, though it was probably either I forgot (uhh, so yeah they still are important) or I didn’t feel like sharing it.

The most important detail to a recent post where I spoke about crushes and school. I touched upon school and then crushes, where I briefly spoke of my latest crush. What I neglected to mention though, was that upon falling for him, I realised that he was the first boy that I had ever had a real crush on. I’d known I was gay for almost a year and had suspicions for many years before that, however never crushed on a guy before. In fact, remember when I said, “latest crush”? Well, by latest I meant the first since I was twelve (I’m sixteen now), when I had a crush on one of my at-the-time best friends who was a girl, so yeah, I don’t know what happened there, I think I just semi-forced myself to like a girl to the border of obssesion… Anyway, I guess that crushing for a boy for the first time and him being my first rush in four years opened up something inside me, but it’s not like that matters, I stopped that and you can find out more at that post.

This isn’t much of a post and I am sorry if that dissapoints you, I will try to do better next time. It would be even easier if maybe you could leave a suggestion in the comments, but that’s up to you. Thanks for reading.

John.

i hate time and the sharia law

So, I’ve probably descended into a funk and it sucks. I just read a blog post talking about the sharia law that is implemented in many Islamist countries that lets people have a lot more freedom in finding ways to kill people without being persecuted, simply because these people are only different in the way that they don’t specifically love someone of the other sex alone. I will not go into too much detail, because already I’m out of my depth and don’t know enough about the law and beliefs of Islamists to accurately breakdown what everything means and other stuff (I’m bad with words). All I can and will say is: why? Why would you kill another human being? Does it really matter so much that they don’t follow the specific blueprints that the Qur’an dicates a living human being should be? People aren’t items that can be discarded if they’re considered faulty or wrong, and even then who’s to judge what a “faulty” human is? I really don’t mean to offend anyone, but the main standing point for this, actually any, belief in most religions is from a book written over a millenium ago! When was the last time a true miracle was shown? Why has a God not shown itself, if it’s out there somewhere. Because God is holy and above us, we should simply blindly worship and give our life to serving a being who could not exist… Seriously, ever considered that God is an idea or figment of imagination created by people so many years ago as a means of manipulating and controlling mass populations of people. I happily support anyone that wants to pray to a higher being, to have something to believe in, but there’s a line that sadly has been crossed on multiple, unforgivible occasions.

Honestly, I’m only sixteen and severely under-knowedged on this specific topic but I can’t stand by and do absolutely nothing as innocent people who only want to live their lives are being persecuted to a death sentence. Sometimes I am too shocked by how small-minded such a large percentage of this world’s population is. Even though I despise time and its taunting that everything comes to and end, I do appreciate its attempts in trying to make everyone more equal and though we are obviously still not there, we are closer than we have ever been true equality, whether it be for genders or sexualities, race and so many other silly factors that really mean nothing, since they’re still a person who lives, loves and then eventually dies. It’s so simple.

Once again, apologies if I offended you and there are probably better ways to say what I have written however, every word contains the emotion and fury I have for those ignorant twats who decided to draw the line for which people are to be restricted by. Finally I have nothing more to say since I’ve depleted myself, so bye I guess.

Love, John.

P.S. feel free to share this with anyone, whether they’d oppose or side with me.

crushes and school – gay teen

So I wrote briefly about me starting A-levels this year and I cannot really remember what I said, probably something along the lines of, “EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT LAST YEAR WERE LIES!!!” which still remains true, but then there’s also my stupid ass being dragged along the flow of theses new fast-paced lessons, drowning in the workload, and findng that most of what comes in one ear leaves the other. Yay. In case you couldn’t tell I just had a math test on the first textbook that we had to finish in 6 weeks and I realised a little too late that I was severly under-knowledged on basically everything, because I had to write an essay last night on bloody Van Arkel Triangles so had no time to revise the topics!

Okay – rant over (mostly) – I think I’ll just talk about boys for now instead of thinking about how school sucks and I have a double chemistry lesson in 10 minutes… I had a crush on a new boy that joined my school in the beginning of the academic year (so around Sept.), mainly because he was fresh meat and decent looking. 10 weeks later and I actually can’t stand him. He dropped math sets with me and initially I was thrilled because I still had a crush on him but then I got to know him a bit better, and he’s so annoying and immature and basically super stupid (the one thing we share in common).

Wow, this was a weird post, I can totally understand if you’re not impressed by the lacking in quality today but I will try to make it up to you next time, if you decide to come back… Anyway, thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

my friend just came out to me!

So, I’ve already posted today, but I just received some news that just makes my heart melt. I’ve been in my school for 4+ years now, and that’s a record for me since before I used to move around a lot so I never really stayed anywhere longer than 4 years, and I’ve known my friend, we’ll call her Meg, since I came to this school. For the first year we talked, and then the second we barely looked at one another (we had no lessons together), but the last two years we were in the same Art set, and we became really close friends. She was the first girl I came out to last year and we both agree that it made our friendship stronger afterwards. Anyway, today we were just walking and talking when she was telling me about all kinds of things I never knew about her, mainly focused around her family, and then we reached her boarding house and we just stayed outside in the cold, still talking. She had already told me so much she doesn’t like to tell people, and we finally stopped talking. I had a haircut to get to, but she said she wanted to tell me something, but also felt she couldn’t. Randomly, as you do, I simply said, “You’re bisexual?” I don’t know why, because she’d never really stricken me as not straight, but then she nodded and something inside me just burst. I was so happy, and I don’t know why. I don’t want people thinking that I want everyone to be gay or just not hetero, because that’s not true. I believe that the main reason this really struck a chord with me is that there are only two other LGBTQ kids in my year (excluding Meg) and neither are really my friends, but to now find out that one of my best friends isn’t straight, feels amazing; I finally have someone who can relate.

The weirdest part about this is that she’s known for longer than I have, but isn’t out, and thinking back I feel like I should feel hurt that she didn’t come out to me last year when I did, but I guess it doesn’t matter because honestly right now I don’t care. I just feel bad though because I don’t believe she’s ashamed or afraid about her sexuality but she can’t come out fully because she doesn’t believe her parents will accept it, and she may be right. I do hope she’ll have the courage in the future to be able to fully be herself, but until then I have my very own B.B.F (Bisexual Best Friend) whom I’m very proud of!

That last part was a joke, please don’t take offence in it, no one should be objectified by their sexuality or any other feature whether it be mental or physical.

Love, John.

P.S. Apologies for the flag, I had to make one and I’m pretty sure the colours are completely off, but I tried my best…

kissing boys

– QUICK DISCLAIMER: John has never kissed anyone, boy or girl (before he knew). This post should not be taken as an accurate description of what a kiss is but merely a simple yet effective method that John uses to vent his pent-up emotions and fantasies (don’t be dirty…) –

Before I start this post, I’d like to say that I have already written this post before, but it disappeared without a trace 😦 I believe that I lost quite a bit of good material, however I will take it as a sign from the universe not to go off on a tangent about legal sex ages and average loss of virginity ages in the UK.

Now, as another normal boy, I spend my fair share of time imagining situations both sexual and mild. The trade-off between me and others is most likely the difference in the gender of the person I imagine doing these things with. I am no closer to getting a boyfriend than even before I realised I was gay, and currently, I don’t know how I feel about that; I guess I just feel unlucky that there doesn’t seem to be a larger range of people in my school who’d be interested in dating me and vice versa. This doesn’t stop me from imagining my first kiss with Mr Right. I watch a lot of movies, but I’m not a sucker, very few actually give an accurate depiction of what a first kiss is like: weird, uncomfortable and probably awkward. I typically like to imagine kisses in a relationship which, I would hope, would be less messy and more romantic and nice. For example, a kiss in the morning when you first see each other, small, simple but probably amazing or a kiss before some other activities in the bedroom, like jumping on the bed and playing Jenga on a mattress 😉 these kisses would be energetic, full and powerful. Honestly, most of the time I don’t really care how good a kiss is, but rather just hope that I get a boyfriend soon because sometimes I am lonely, and sadly that is because I’m gay. I’m not saying that it is super easy for straight people to find a partner but it’s definitely easier than for non-heterosexuals, especially in boarding schools where we can’t really use devices like dating apps, which as I gather would be the easiest way to find a partner, though isn’t particularly the way I’d like to meet the love of my life.

Anyway, this was a pretty random post but I hope you enjoyed it. Please make sure to share this with others if you feel like it.

Love, John.

i can’t believe it’s been a year

Hi guys, I’m back, for now. I started this blog last December, almost a year ago as a form of self expression at a time I felt I was unable to truly be myself around most the people in my life. Whether you’ve read from this blog before or not, I am an openly gay teen (16) and here I go by the name John. Anyway, this blog was a means of sharing my feelings with anyone when I couldn’t with those I knew personally, but things have changed since. I initially came out to my friends and then the world 8 months ago! I can’t believe it’s been so long, but something else is the reason I am here today right now.

Today, last year I finally accepted that I was gay, and I am absolutely astonished how much has changed in my life and my views on the world. In the past year, though not by much, I managed to crawl out of the lonely dark hole I had found comfortable in the past to actually interact with more than a few select friends. I know what I like in a guy (this probably sounds kind of weird, but for a while I was completely lost and had no idea what I was actually physically attracted to in a man). I have way more friends with which I can openly talk to about most stuff, like boys 😉 Everyone in my year knows who I am (also kind of a weird one) and finally, obviously, I am a thristy bitch looking for a boyfriend. So yeah basically, I kind of consider myself normal for the first time in forever.

Anyway, I’ve lost the plot on what I wanted to say, but basically I’m in one of my highs in my constant swinging moods and I wanted to share that and if anything can be taken from this, it’s that things do get better, you just have to give it time, so stop being so impatient! All jokes aside, I am really happy with who I am and being gay is as amazing as ever.

I hope you’re having a great day or will have a great day!

Love, John.

P.S. make sure to share this with anyone you please and comment on what you might like to read about in the future

perceptions on being gay

Before I start on what I am about to say, a quick disclaimer: I’ve only really accepted that I was gay about 7 months ago and have been out for 3 months, so I won’t pretend that I am a full grown gay veteran who’s been through all of it. I haven’t. Surprisingly the largest amount of homophobia I have encountered, so far, was during school from a classmate who told me I was gross the day after I came out. I’m not even sure if that was because of my updated sexual orientation status or because I was cramming cheese puffs by the handful in to my mouth…

With this considered, I think that I am extremely lucky to be in an environment where it is not only safe to be gay, but accepted (by almost everyone).

I haven’t been writing recently in my blog because I’ve just had my GCSEs (basically very important British exams students take when they’re 15/16). Luckily, my last exam is tomorrow, after which I get to leave school two weeks earlier than the rest for summer break. Anyway, back to the topic of this post: perceptions on being gay.

Ever since I accepted that I was gay, it became increasingly obvious to myself how my perception on being gay had basically done a u-turn from “it’s probably just a phase” to “I am genuinely happy that I’m gay, and it doesn’t matter that I am.” Before the night of my final acceptance I was actively checking out guys, and this is going to sound weird but I did it because I thought that somehow acting on my homosexual impulses would release all the urges so that I could finally be normal.

When I was twelve, around the time that I started “becoming a man” I had begun to notice that, although I knew the way the other boys were talking about girls was exaggerated, I wasn’t like them. It was like they knew something that I didn’t and it hurt to feel so excluded. Now I tried to find this “missing piece” that held me back from being like the other boys; I chose a girl in my school and said I liked her. I was pretty stupid. She ended up becoming my best friend for a while and I felt empty when she wasn’t around. I thought I had finally become a normal boy, because I was obsessed with a girl.

I’m not really sure if that’s relevant to the point I’m trying to get across, but basically what I’m trying to say is that now, I would never try to do that and I think that has something to do with being open about myself to myself, if that makes sense. To put it simply: before I accepted myself, I pushed myself to like girls and now that I have accepted myself I would be repulsed by the idea of it. Basically my perception on being gay had changed upon accepting being gay and for some reason that really intrigues me.

Quick side note – when I say “accept myself” though I do accept myself being gay, I more mean that it was the moment that I no longer dismissed it as a phase or told myself that I didn’t like boys. It was like a sudden jerk into reality that I was in fact a homosexual.

Let’s get back on track. I know that a part of it could be that I have to change my perception on being gay before I can truly accept myself, yet I’ve heard of so many people who obviously have had their “jerk in to reality” on being gay and still not being okay with it or accepting of others. Why is there a sudden change in perception? Is it because we’re now in the long haul and may as well stop resisting the currents of change? (I know, great metaphor) Why can one day someone be mortified by the possibility of being gay and the next be entranced by it. This was the case for me atleast.

Why do we fear being possibly gay when we aren’t sure and love it when we are sure? I’m not complaining, but I don’t understand the mental shift that we can go through so quickly upon an event that changes our lives such as the “jerk to reality” in discovering our homosexual orientation.

When I try head around it

I hope this wasn’t a complete waste of time for you like it might have been for me with an exam tomorrow after all. Maybe I’m just a dumb simpleton but for me this begs the question of why is there even a shift in perception, because really there shouldn’t be. It 2019 for heaven’s sake! It shouldn’t matter whether your gay, trans, lesbian, straight, pan or anything else, so why are so many people (myself included) afraid to come out to a modern and accepting community (in those countries where this actually applies). Thinking about this right now, when I am tired and totally not ready for an exam tomorrow morning makes me really angry and deeply upset. Is it because even in today’s modern accepting community, hints of internalised homophobia lurk around the corners of our streets tucked out of our view yet still present and haunting. I’m not going to say anymore because I’ve reached the point where I probably need to do more research and analysing of stuff in order to not make an even larger moron of myself than I already have.

Thank you for reading, I wish it was somewhat entertaining on your behalf.

That Boy.