life

Firstly I’d like to clarify that this blog is purely a means of release of stress and mental energy by writing completely about myself and my life, you won’t gain anything out of this other than knowing a bit about me for when you’re bored or possibly feeling a bit stalkerish ;-).

Hi, my name is John and I’m 15 years old. I’m just a kid, apparently. I have some very important exams next year in June called GCSEs and I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of afraid as these are some of the most important exams of my life, determining whether I stay in my current school, what subjects I will be choosing in the next academic year and can affect university applications. Effectively, they play a large role in my future endeavors. 

In my school I wouldn’t call myself a popular or “cool” kid though everyone seems to know my name as I am the silent, small (but finally growing) intriguing boy that everybody seems to remember from a school play 3 years ago. Frankly, I don’t have many friends and that is my fault, I’m quite a sour person and normally find myself more drawn to the unpopular teens of my year other than the jittery and wild girls or big punk guys. I could probably count the number of proper friends I have on 2 hands, but these aren’t those that I know and then occasionally talk to. These are the people I talk to every day and could call my family (we do in fact refer to ourselves as a little dysfunctional family), but like a real family we have our fallouts and currently, because of a relationship between two of us, tensions have been slowly but steadily rising. It doesn’t help that I’m keeping a pretty significant secret from them and Daisy (the one who’s in a relationship) constantly complains about being mentally exhausted and stressed from current occurrences with her other friends. This is not only annoying since, not to be self-obsessed, she’s not the only one stressed or tired and her friends are annoyed at her because she lied to them and once the news came out she told them that she hadn’t told them because she didn’t trust them. Yikes! The directly affects another member of the family who was one the people Daisy told this to. The weirdest part though is that it seems to be a couple’s thing since David (her boyfriend) seems to be increasing irritating lately as well, constantly whining like a child, talking about himself and his success in relationships and being best friends with one of the loudest and egotistical people I know.

On another not-completely-unrelated topic, my love life (can we call it that at my age?) is more uneventful than ever now that I’ve confirmed that I absolutely, most definitely don’t feel attraction to women. Why does this make it more uneventful? Although I’d never have the courage to do it, at least being straight means there’s a much higher chance of finding someone who you like, and most importantly, is attracted to your someone of your gender (in case you didn’t get it I was describing a female). Being a closeted gay boy in a secondary school with only 100 boys in your year makes it quite difficult to start a same-sex relationship with someone who you actually like, not just any gay boy who comes around. Something that confuses me about this thought process of relationships, is that it also seems unlike anything I had ever experienced or thought of before. Obviously I had thought about having a girlfriend in the past but only because that was what I had seen around me and in movies and I never really ever felt deeper emotions than a need to seem normal by having a girlfriend because I thought that once I reached that step everything would fall in place. The truth is that I was never going to know what would happen afterwards because, deep down, my conscious had other plans for me. One of the reasons I probably never really considered a same-sex relationship for myself was because first off it wasn’t seen as normal and I think that, off the top of my head, I can only remember ever meeting one gay couple though only because my parents told me that I’d met them as a child. So in reality, due to a lack of exposure to same-sex relationship couples, I never thought of the idea to have that kind of relationship.

I think that I have sufficiently drained most of my energy, so that’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed leaching from my small life events and leave any comments on things you’d like me to write about or ways I could improve my writing.

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