how it feels, a year later

Just over a week ago, I wrote a post on the “one year anniversary” of me accepting/realising that I was gay. On that day I rewatched the movie that changed my life, Alex Strangelove. On the eleventh of November in 2018, on a Sunday night, I watched that movie and was absolutely hysterical by the end. I will admit, rewatching it a year later, the film no longer had the same impact on me, but I think that’s just because know I’ve known for so long now and since “being gay” I have binged on all types of media depicting gay relationships, the movie being the first. I will also admit that (spoilers incoming) in the end, when Alex grabs Elliott’s wrist and pulls him in to a kiss, that’s got to be one of the best gay kiss scenes I have ever watched.

Now, less on then and more on now. When I wrote the other post, I don’t think I really felt the difference, but this afternoon, whilst doing some art and listening to music, I got lost in my thoughts and this came to mind upon looking at the time on my phone, of which the wallpaper showed the date of the one year anniversary (so I didn’t forget, because, yes I am kind of stupid). I thought about how t didn’t seem like a big deal but then I thought deeper, “Just over a year ago, I thought I was going to fall in love and marry a woman,” and then I looked at my hands, “I thought I wanted to hungrily grasp the body of, not a man, but a woman with these hands.” (Geez, John, getting a bit graphic there, perhaps?). I was completely dumbfounded, my life was massively changed by the simple acceptance of my sexuality and of course, I’ve known and stated this before, but for a while that spark of excitement and happiness had been absent. I think of how I tried to look at women and think, I like that, and how now I naturally check out guys who peak my interest. Thinking harder about this, I remember feeling that I was never going to be normal because for some reason I didn’t enjoy checking out people of the other gender (or any gender for that matter at that point in time) like those around me. I remember being so annoyed that I didn’t seem to be crushing on anyone like the rest of the people in my school, that I was a total outsider. I remember I boy two years above me in my boarding house who was openly gay, when I was thirteen and thinking, wait? and then ignoring that question and joining the other boys in saying homophobic slurs and stereotypes behind his back, though secretly wondering about talking to him. I remember being repulsed by the thought of boys wearing makeup or jewelry and now I feel so much better with these things on me (I’m not crazy with makeup, but I do like a bit of eyeliner). Everything is different and for the better, I am a better person, and finally understand myself and what I am and I look forward to the date that marks my “one year being openly gay” and when I get my first boyfriend, not girlfriend which I thought it would be for so many years.

I hope that anyone in or out of the closet or just straight can read this and feel happy. Knowing myself and then being myself for the first time in 15 years was incredible and unfortunately I had to live those first 15 years as a watered-down version of myself but now I am really me. Thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

weird celebrity crushes?

Have you ever watched a movie and just found that one of the actors is really attractive not just because physically they’re gorgeous, but then the character they’re playing has a dress style or has their hair in the way you just like it, so you’re extra into them? And then you do a quick internet search and find that they look surprisingly different as themselves and secretly feel dissapointed, especially after quickly scrolling to their “personal life” section in Wikipedia and finding that they are straight, married and have children! Since accepting that I was gay, I’ve had many small celebrity crushes that just came and went after watching a movie or series. A couple months ago I was really into Paul Rudd (even though he’s much, much older than me, I know) and recently I watched a couple episodes of Teen Wolf and both Dylan O’Brien and Tyler Posey have turned my head on multiple occasions.

Also, this will probably relate more with LGBTQ+ members, but has anyone else noticed how many memes there are that you read and then think, what the hell, that’s exactly what I do? I understand that lots of people are alike and act similarly, but I always considered myself somewhat different and unique (not that it was necessarily in a good way), but the shocking number of random Reddit and Instgram posts that I completely relate with is clearly dissproving my theory of being an outsider. I think my favourite meme is probably one where Lisa Simpson is getting her cup filled with rainbow liquid called “that gay shit”, not only because I’d found it whilst literally doing what the meme was describing, but also because it was one of the first of many memes that I would discover spoke to my heart.

This is not my meme, I take no credit.

Anyway, thanks for reading and see you later.

John.

P.S. comment if you’d like a post about memes specifically, because I think it could be quite fun, but it’s really up to what you want to read.

one of my biggest regrets

Having no idea what I wanted to talk about in today’s blog post, I did the most obvious thing to do in such a situation; I went to the internet for help. I hardly even had to look for an idea, as one of the first search results was: tell a secret about yourself. So keep in mind that between searching for ideas and beginning writing this post there was probably a pause of about half a minute, in which I had to decide which secret I was going to share today with a bunch of people I don’t know. That’s probably what makes this easier, since the secret I’m deciding to tell, I’ve only told 3 people ever and I’ve had it for almost 10 years now. Before I get started, I would like to say that this is definitely not as intense and serious as some secrets can go, but it made quite the impact on my life.

In early 2010, a couple months before my seventh birthday, my family finally moved from Russia after a 6 year posting there due to my parent’s job. I’ve moved around quite a lot since and a bit before, but what made this slightly unusual was that it wasn’t during the summer so it was in the middle of my last school term. Normally the company that my parent works for schedules the moves/transfers inbetween academic years or terms, but this time it wasn’t the case. Having moved to the island of Borneo, I finished my academic year about 2 months later. Here’s where my memory becomes a little foggy, it was either during the summer after the move or we may have been moving during a school holiday, but either way, we were in my parent’s home country and I did one of the stuppidest things in my life ever (other than probably slicing my leg open, but that’s a story for another day). My father used to wear glasses and now my mother does and at the age of just under seven years old, I decided I wanted glasses, even though I didn’t need them. Yep, that’s the secret. Now before you leave this article, please just hear me out. So, some people naturally have bad eye sight and therefore need glasses to correct the way that it recieves light (through refraction) in order to sharpen your vision since your eyes basically aren’t correctly calibrated to receive light. If your eyes are fine then that’s perfect, but if you suddenly start wearing glasses with a real perscription, your eyes will start to change in order to see clearly again whilst you have your glasses on. This then means that without your glasses you can no longer see clearly anymore. That’s what happened to me; I lied about needing glasses and now I can’t see without them. Whether or not I would have needed glasses in the future, I don’t know and that’s what haunts me, essentially, it is possible that I purposely wrecked my eye sight, yay.

Well, that’s my secret, and I hope you enjoyed it, if not I am terribly sorry. See you next time, and remember you can ask or even suggest possible posts for the future as I will accept them with wide arms.

Love, John.

i guess this is just a filler

First of all, apologies for anyone who was displeased or even offended by my last post, it may not have been the most tasteful… Today I don’t have much of a theme for what I want to talk about so I think I’ll just add in some extra details to previous ones that I missed, however believe are somewhat crucial. And I know what you’re thinking, “John, if they’re so crucial for the points you’re trying to get across why didn’t you mention them in the actual post?” My answer to you: I honestly don’t know, though it was probably either I forgot (uhh, so yeah they still are important) or I didn’t feel like sharing it.

The most important detail to a recent post where I spoke about crushes and school. I touched upon school and then crushes, where I briefly spoke of my latest crush. What I neglected to mention though, was that upon falling for him, I realised that he was the first boy that I had ever had a real crush on. I’d known I was gay for almost a year and had suspicions for many years before that, however never crushed on a guy before. In fact, remember when I said, “latest crush”? Well, by latest I meant the first since I was twelve (I’m sixteen now), when I had a crush on one of my at-the-time best friends who was a girl, so yeah, I don’t know what happened there, I think I just semi-forced myself to like a girl to the border of obssesion… Anyway, I guess that crushing for a boy for the first time and him being my first rush in four years opened up something inside me, but it’s not like that matters, I stopped that and you can find out more at that post.

This isn’t much of a post and I am sorry if that dissapoints you, I will try to do better next time. It would be even easier if maybe you could leave a suggestion in the comments, but that’s up to you. Thanks for reading.

John.

i hate time and the sharia law

So, I’ve probably descended into a funk and it sucks. I just read a blog post talking about the sharia law that is implemented in many Islamist countries that lets people have a lot more freedom in finding ways to kill people without being persecuted, simply because these people are only different in the way that they don’t specifically love someone of the other sex alone. I will not go into too much detail, because already I’m out of my depth and don’t know enough about the law and beliefs of Islamists to accurately breakdown what everything means and other stuff (I’m bad with words). All I can and will say is: why? Why would you kill another human being? Does it really matter so much that they don’t follow the specific blueprints that the Qur’an dicates a living human being should be? People aren’t items that can be discarded if they’re considered faulty or wrong, and even then who’s to judge what a “faulty” human is? I really don’t mean to offend anyone, but the main standing point for this, actually any, belief in most religions is from a book written over a millenium ago! When was the last time a true miracle was shown? Why has a God not shown itself, if it’s out there somewhere. Because God is holy and above us, we should simply blindly worship and give our life to serving a being who could not exist… Seriously, ever considered that God is an idea or figment of imagination created by people so many years ago as a means of manipulating and controlling mass populations of people. I happily support anyone that wants to pray to a higher being, to have something to believe in, but there’s a line that sadly has been crossed on multiple, unforgivible occasions.

Honestly, I’m only sixteen and severely under-knowedged on this specific topic but I can’t stand by and do absolutely nothing as innocent people who only want to live their lives are being persecuted to a death sentence. Sometimes I am too shocked by how small-minded such a large percentage of this world’s population is. Even though I despise time and its taunting that everything comes to and end, I do appreciate its attempts in trying to make everyone more equal and though we are obviously still not there, we are closer than we have ever been true equality, whether it be for genders or sexualities, race and so many other silly factors that really mean nothing, since they’re still a person who lives, loves and then eventually dies. It’s so simple.

Once again, apologies if I offended you and there are probably better ways to say what I have written however, every word contains the emotion and fury I have for those ignorant twats who decided to draw the line for which people are to be restricted by. Finally I have nothing more to say since I’ve depleted myself, so bye I guess.

Love, John.

P.S. feel free to share this with anyone, whether they’d oppose or side with me.

crushes and school – gay teen

So I wrote briefly about me starting A-levels this year and I cannot really remember what I said, probably something along the lines of, “EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT LAST YEAR WERE LIES!!!” which still remains true, but then there’s also my stupid ass being dragged along the flow of theses new fast-paced lessons, drowning in the workload, and findng that most of what comes in one ear leaves the other. Yay. In case you couldn’t tell I just had a math test on the first textbook that we had to finish in 6 weeks and I realised a little too late that I was severly under-knowledged on basically everything, because I had to write an essay last night on bloody Van Arkel Triangles so had no time to revise the topics!

Okay – rant over (mostly) – I think I’ll just talk about boys for now instead of thinking about how school sucks and I have a double chemistry lesson in 10 minutes… I had a crush on a new boy that joined my school in the beginning of the academic year (so around Sept.), mainly because he was fresh meat and decent looking. 10 weeks later and I actually can’t stand him. He dropped math sets with me and initially I was thrilled because I still had a crush on him but then I got to know him a bit better, and he’s so annoying and immature and basically super stupid (the one thing we share in common).

Wow, this was a weird post, I can totally understand if you’re not impressed by the lacking in quality today but I will try to make it up to you next time, if you decide to come back… Anyway, thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

kissing boys

– QUICK DISCLAIMER: John has never kissed anyone, boy or girl (before he knew). This post should not be taken as an accurate description of what a kiss is but merely a simple yet effective method that John uses to vent his pent-up emotions and fantasies (don’t be dirty…) –

Before I start this post, I’d like to say that I have already written this post before, but it disappeared without a trace 😦 I believe that I lost quite a bit of good material, however I will take it as a sign from the universe not to go off on a tangent about legal sex ages and average loss of virginity ages in the UK.

Now, as another normal boy, I spend my fair share of time imagining situations both sexual and mild. The trade-off between me and others is most likely the difference in the gender of the person I imagine doing these things with. I am no closer to getting a boyfriend than even before I realised I was gay, and currently, I don’t know how I feel about that; I guess I just feel unlucky that there doesn’t seem to be a larger range of people in my school who’d be interested in dating me and vice versa. This doesn’t stop me from imagining my first kiss with Mr Right. I watch a lot of movies, but I’m not a sucker, very few actually give an accurate depiction of what a first kiss is like: weird, uncomfortable and probably awkward. I typically like to imagine kisses in a relationship which, I would hope, would be less messy and more romantic and nice. For example, a kiss in the morning when you first see each other, small, simple but probably amazing or a kiss before some other activities in the bedroom, like jumping on the bed and playing Jenga on a mattress 😉 these kisses would be energetic, full and powerful. Honestly, most of the time I don’t really care how good a kiss is, but rather just hope that I get a boyfriend soon because sometimes I am lonely, and sadly that is because I’m gay. I’m not saying that it is super easy for straight people to find a partner but it’s definitely easier than for non-heterosexuals, especially in boarding schools where we can’t really use devices like dating apps, which as I gather would be the easiest way to find a partner, though isn’t particularly the way I’d like to meet the love of my life.

Anyway, this was a pretty random post but I hope you enjoyed it. Please make sure to share this with others if you feel like it.

Love, John.

don’t be afraid – my story… so far

Chances are that this is the first time that you are reading one of my blog posts. Even though this may be the case, I will not be shamelessly plugging my previous posts, I don’t care if you read them, do what you want to do.

For a long time I questioned my sexuality, mainly based on the fact that I didn’t seem to be as infatuated with girls as all of the other boys. Of course I lied and joined conversations about the girls in my school that “I found fit”, who I liked, you know, the normal stuff. Just under a year ago, I was still just like that. Thinking about that even now seems so bizarre and almost unbelievable. I can’t believe how much my life could have possibly changed in a single year. And just for the record: this is from a kid who moved across the globe for most of his childhood, so yes, I know change. When I found out, no. When I accepted who I was, I was filled with a mangled concoction of feelings, I was happy, still confused, dazed, mildy upset but most of all excited. I had just opened one of the greatest chapters of my life and now I could explore it. I buried myself in research on the LGBTQ+ community, hungry to discover what I was a part of. Even with all of this newfound knowledge and excitement though, I was afraid to tell those closest to me about my true self. I couldn’t tell my loving supportive family for 5 months. I came out through Instagram to everyone, perhaps mistakedly as it led to my aunt accidently outing me to my parents before I had the chance to tell them myself.

Now that I was out, I was hit with another rush of excitement, my life would be so different and for the better. I didn’t have to supress myself for the fear of people calling me gay, because who cares, it’s true. It wasn’t exactly smooth sailing from there and strangely enough I found trouble right where I least expected it: home. In all of the holidays that have passed since coming out, I don’t think I haven’t had a serious argument with my parents. I don’t blame them, in fact I don’t think it has anything to do with them having any problem with having a gay son, and more my frustration that they couldn’t see what I was going through. Coming out wasn’t what I expected. Deep down in my mind I had stupidly thought that coming out would inspire others in the closet to do the same. It wasn’t the case, and by the time the summer vacations arrived I felt more alone than ever before. There was no one I could talk to about what I was going through and about how I felt. Obviously, I had my friends but they don’t understand. As heterosexuals they grew up with role models and people just like them that they could ask anything and be given an answer. As of today, I still have no true friends, or for that matter know anyone in the LGBTQ+ community other than two kids at my school. There are no adults that I can just simply ask questions about what I feel. This feeling of complete isolation and the fact that I’m finally growing and have a enormous amount of hormones flowing violently through my body has led to serious mood swings that I think of as my highs and lows. In my highs I would be energetic, figgity, dancing, chatting and overall just having a great time. In my lows, I’ve reached the depths of sorrow that I previously ignored and didn’t even believe the existence of. I hated myself and took all my anger out on whoever was closest and easiest.

I don’t blame this on myself being gay, more on the society that once was and still has its deep roots in today’s life, keeping hate and fear for non-heterosexuals alive.

If you are still reading this, I am grateful because now I do get to tell you that it does get better, even if only by a little bit in the beginning. Having come back to my school for a fifth year (the longest I’ve ever been in one school) and my second last before I leave for university, I wanted to do something that meant something. If you are a US reader, then this may not seem so impressive, but here in the UK, it is not terribly common to have school LGBTQ+ clubs. That’s why I’ve decided to create my school’s first LGBTQ+ club with the two other “out” people in my year, and honestly planning it and just the thought has sent me spiralling out of this sad, cold depression and it feels like one of my highs without and end!

Please, if you are a young LGBTQ+ member we don’t have to be afraid. I am really sorry for those whom it is dangerous to be out for, but those of us in more accepting environments shouldn’t be afraid. Coming out isn’t a big deal and certainly isn’t something to fear.

Clearly, I am only 16 years old, so I don’t suggest taking my complete word for it, but I really hope that this can help people , and empower those like myself. You aren’t alone, you may just have to look a little harder for your friends than those around you.

Lots of Love, John.

perceptions on being gay

Before I start on what I am about to say, a quick disclaimer: I’ve only really accepted that I was gay about 7 months ago and have been out for 3 months, so I won’t pretend that I am a full grown gay veteran who’s been through all of it. I haven’t. Surprisingly the largest amount of homophobia I have encountered, so far, was during school from a classmate who told me I was gross the day after I came out. I’m not even sure if that was because of my updated sexual orientation status or because I was cramming cheese puffs by the handful in to my mouth…

With this considered, I think that I am extremely lucky to be in an environment where it is not only safe to be gay, but accepted (by almost everyone).

I haven’t been writing recently in my blog because I’ve just had my GCSEs (basically very important British exams students take when they’re 15/16). Luckily, my last exam is tomorrow, after which I get to leave school two weeks earlier than the rest for summer break. Anyway, back to the topic of this post: perceptions on being gay.

Ever since I accepted that I was gay, it became increasingly obvious to myself how my perception on being gay had basically done a u-turn from “it’s probably just a phase” to “I am genuinely happy that I’m gay, and it doesn’t matter that I am.” Before the night of my final acceptance I was actively checking out guys, and this is going to sound weird but I did it because I thought that somehow acting on my homosexual impulses would release all the urges so that I could finally be normal.

When I was twelve, around the time that I started “becoming a man” I had begun to notice that, although I knew the way the other boys were talking about girls was exaggerated, I wasn’t like them. It was like they knew something that I didn’t and it hurt to feel so excluded. Now I tried to find this “missing piece” that held me back from being like the other boys; I chose a girl in my school and said I liked her. I was pretty stupid. She ended up becoming my best friend for a while and I felt empty when she wasn’t around. I thought I had finally become a normal boy, because I was obsessed with a girl.

I’m not really sure if that’s relevant to the point I’m trying to get across, but basically what I’m trying to say is that now, I would never try to do that and I think that has something to do with being open about myself to myself, if that makes sense. To put it simply: before I accepted myself, I pushed myself to like girls and now that I have accepted myself I would be repulsed by the idea of it. Basically my perception on being gay had changed upon accepting being gay and for some reason that really intrigues me.

Quick side note – when I say “accept myself” though I do accept myself being gay, I more mean that it was the moment that I no longer dismissed it as a phase or told myself that I didn’t like boys. It was like a sudden jerk into reality that I was in fact a homosexual.

Let’s get back on track. I know that a part of it could be that I have to change my perception on being gay before I can truly accept myself, yet I’ve heard of so many people who obviously have had their “jerk in to reality” on being gay and still not being okay with it or accepting of others. Why is there a sudden change in perception? Is it because we’re now in the long haul and may as well stop resisting the currents of change? (I know, great metaphor) Why can one day someone be mortified by the possibility of being gay and the next be entranced by it. This was the case for me atleast.

Why do we fear being possibly gay when we aren’t sure and love it when we are sure? I’m not complaining, but I don’t understand the mental shift that we can go through so quickly upon an event that changes our lives such as the “jerk to reality” in discovering our homosexual orientation.

When I try head around it

I hope this wasn’t a complete waste of time for you like it might have been for me with an exam tomorrow after all. Maybe I’m just a dumb simpleton but for me this begs the question of why is there even a shift in perception, because really there shouldn’t be. It 2019 for heaven’s sake! It shouldn’t matter whether your gay, trans, lesbian, straight, pan or anything else, so why are so many people (myself included) afraid to come out to a modern and accepting community (in those countries where this actually applies). Thinking about this right now, when I am tired and totally not ready for an exam tomorrow morning makes me really angry and deeply upset. Is it because even in today’s modern accepting community, hints of internalised homophobia lurk around the corners of our streets tucked out of our view yet still present and haunting. I’m not going to say anymore because I’ve reached the point where I probably need to do more research and analysing of stuff in order to not make an even larger moron of myself than I already have.

Thank you for reading, I wish it was somewhat entertaining on your behalf.

That Boy.

my coming out pt.2

So just over 4 months ago I, John the (now) openly gay teenager, started this blog having finally accepted my sexuality. Wanting to scream to the world about my new self, I started writing a blog talking about it and my life. My second ever post that I made was titled “my coming out“, and in it I talked briefly about how I had started coming out to myself and my friends, but was unable to say anymore because there was nothing more to say since it had only been a few weeks. If you’ve read my other posts recently, then you will know that just over a month ago I outed myself through and Instagram post to all my friends and family. Right now I want to talk about my experience in order so that those still in the closet can find some comfort. This is in no way a justification that coming out is the best thing to do for everyone, because different people are brought up in different communities and with different beliefs. For me I was lucky and privileged to have been brought up in a community that it mostly accepting of gay people and in my past experience I really enjoyed being able to read about others coming out, because in my opinion it is truly a happy moment when one can finally accept themselves for who they are and those around them can do the same.

I previously talked about coming out to my friends and by the end of January, I had set myself a personal challenge of coming out to at least a person a day (keep in mind that my school has around 150 students per year). By doing this, I had finally accomplished being able to say “I am gay” in one quick easy sentence. No straining nor hesitation in saying the word “gay”. Now by the end of February I had come out to all of my friends and if I’m being perfectly honest, I was becoming happier. There was no longer awkward talks about “hot girls” and I was getting closer to a lot of my friends. I’m not exactly sure what took me over on the second of March in the year 2019. I was possibly on a happiness high, but I was sitting behind my computer watching youtube videos when I had the sudden craving to use Instagram. I had an account, but never posted anything. In my mind it was somewhat symbolic: a first post starting a new chapter in my life. So I did it, I thought about the right way to do it for 40 minutes and finally stuck to a completely random photo with a caption saying that I was no longer in the closet. Honestly, you’d be surprised how many followers you can gain in one day when you’re the first to publicly come out in your year.

In the end, everyone was incredibly supportive and my own aunt beat me to the chase of coming out to my parents 😂. This was an amazing experience for me and I don’t regret it, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe and brilliant for everyone to do so. I read this in another posting, I forget its name, but only you know when it’s safe and okay for you to come out, no one else can make that decision for you and you cannot take someone else’s story as incentive for you to do it yourself. Trust me when I say this though, you will know when the time is right 😁