2010s – why I’ll miss them

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With only 16 days lef tin this decade, I’ve started to feel more turbulent emotions of how I feel that a huge new chapter is opening in my constantly growing and exhausting life. I don’t mean to say that I have it terribly hard but the last year in particular was much heavier than those that preceded it.

I’m in a boarding school and I’ve tried talking to my roommate about what it feels like to leave this decade, and that’s where we seem to have horrifically differing opinions on what it should mean to us. For him, he doesn’t seem to care very much and that kind of makes me upset. I’m 16 and he’s 17, and I can’t see why he doesn’t see the significance of this decade to us and our generation. It was the 2010s that we began to become who we are today. Before 6 years old I seriously didn’t know anything, other than to walk, talk and sleep. Admittedly I was probably behind most children as it took me until I was seven to learn the months of the year (I was preocupied watching Ben 10 and such other things obviously). This was the decade I began my “serious” education, I began to form my own concious, no longer completely following all my parents and superior’s orders or rules. I questioned authority and really thought about things. This was both good and bad but in the end made me who I am. My last year without a doubt was definetly the one in which I truly became who I am. Up until I was fifteen I had probably grown as a person by 50% and the other 50% was from this last year. I had my GCSEs, I made most of my friends, I embraced my true identity and accepted my suppressed sexuality after so many years and then came out. This academic year I’ve started the works of making LGBTQ+ members of my school more empowered and less afraid, though there still is a lot to do. All I can say is that at the beginning of September last year, I could not have possibly imagined how much my life would have evolved and it makes me both nostalgic and on the verge of tears as I think back to the days of me trying to be someone who was not really me.

Enough on me, I imagine that a lot will have changed for older people on this planet. Some would have gotten married and had kids in this single decade. People have been crossing the globe in a constant fret, so many people that are to dictate the future were born, whilst so many also have moved on to whatever comes after this life. I don’t really know how I feel about a new decade where I am actually concious and thinking, “wow, a new decade”, but I believe it’s something between sadness, regret and a spark of happiness and hope for an even brighter future.

I really hope everyone has enjoyed the last decade as I did for the most part and it’s times like this that make you really think about life I believe. I’m sure you may have regrets about the last decade but also can look back at the good times too.

I think I should probably stop this ramble, whislt I still am somewhat emotionally intact, but thank everyone for the average, crap, mediocre, amazing, fantastic, trash, fab and something of a decade, and wish you the best for 2020.

Love,

John.

how it feels, a year later

Just over a week ago, I wrote a post on the “one year anniversary” of me accepting/realising that I was gay. On that day I rewatched the movie that changed my life, Alex Strangelove. On the eleventh of November in 2018, on a Sunday night, I watched that movie and was absolutely hysterical by the end. I will admit, rewatching it a year later, the film no longer had the same impact on me, but I think that’s just because know I’ve known for so long now and since “being gay” I have binged on all types of media depicting gay relationships, the movie being the first. I will also admit that (spoilers incoming) in the end, when Alex grabs Elliott’s wrist and pulls him in to a kiss, that’s got to be one of the best gay kiss scenes I have ever watched.

Now, less on then and more on now. When I wrote the other post, I don’t think I really felt the difference, but this afternoon, whilst doing some art and listening to music, I got lost in my thoughts and this came to mind upon looking at the time on my phone, of which the wallpaper showed the date of the one year anniversary (so I didn’t forget, because, yes I am kind of stupid). I thought about how t didn’t seem like a big deal but then I thought deeper, “Just over a year ago, I thought I was going to fall in love and marry a woman,” and then I looked at my hands, “I thought I wanted to hungrily grasp the body of, not a man, but a woman with these hands.” (Geez, John, getting a bit graphic there, perhaps?). I was completely dumbfounded, my life was massively changed by the simple acceptance of my sexuality and of course, I’ve known and stated this before, but for a while that spark of excitement and happiness had been absent. I think of how I tried to look at women and think, I like that, and how now I naturally check out guys who peak my interest. Thinking harder about this, I remember feeling that I was never going to be normal because for some reason I didn’t enjoy checking out people of the other gender (or any gender for that matter at that point in time) like those around me. I remember being so annoyed that I didn’t seem to be crushing on anyone like the rest of the people in my school, that I was a total outsider. I remember I boy two years above me in my boarding house who was openly gay, when I was thirteen and thinking, wait? and then ignoring that question and joining the other boys in saying homophobic slurs and stereotypes behind his back, though secretly wondering about talking to him. I remember being repulsed by the thought of boys wearing makeup or jewelry and now I feel so much better with these things on me (I’m not crazy with makeup, but I do like a bit of eyeliner). Everything is different and for the better, I am a better person, and finally understand myself and what I am and I look forward to the date that marks my “one year being openly gay” and when I get my first boyfriend, not girlfriend which I thought it would be for so many years.

I hope that anyone in or out of the closet or just straight can read this and feel happy. Knowing myself and then being myself for the first time in 15 years was incredible and unfortunately I had to live those first 15 years as a watered-down version of myself but now I am really me. Thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

my friend just came out to me!

So, I’ve already posted today, but I just received some news that just makes my heart melt. I’ve been in my school for 4+ years now, and that’s a record for me since before I used to move around a lot so I never really stayed anywhere longer than 4 years, and I’ve known my friend, we’ll call her Meg, since I came to this school. For the first year we talked, and then the second we barely looked at one another (we had no lessons together), but the last two years we were in the same Art set, and we became really close friends. She was the first girl I came out to last year and we both agree that it made our friendship stronger afterwards. Anyway, today we were just walking and talking when she was telling me about all kinds of things I never knew about her, mainly focused around her family, and then we reached her boarding house and we just stayed outside in the cold, still talking. She had already told me so much she doesn’t like to tell people, and we finally stopped talking. I had a haircut to get to, but she said she wanted to tell me something, but also felt she couldn’t. Randomly, as you do, I simply said, “You’re bisexual?” I don’t know why, because she’d never really stricken me as not straight, but then she nodded and something inside me just burst. I was so happy, and I don’t know why. I don’t want people thinking that I want everyone to be gay or just not hetero, because that’s not true. I believe that the main reason this really struck a chord with me is that there are only two other LGBTQ kids in my year (excluding Meg) and neither are really my friends, but to now find out that one of my best friends isn’t straight, feels amazing; I finally have someone who can relate.

The weirdest part about this is that she’s known for longer than I have, but isn’t out, and thinking back I feel like I should feel hurt that she didn’t come out to me last year when I did, but I guess it doesn’t matter because honestly right now I don’t care. I just feel bad though because I don’t believe she’s ashamed or afraid about her sexuality but she can’t come out fully because she doesn’t believe her parents will accept it, and she may be right. I do hope she’ll have the courage in the future to be able to fully be herself, but until then I have my very own B.B.F (Bisexual Best Friend) whom I’m very proud of!

That last part was a joke, please don’t take offence in it, no one should be objectified by their sexuality or any other feature whether it be mental or physical.

Love, John.

P.S. Apologies for the flag, I had to make one and I’m pretty sure the colours are completely off, but I tried my best…

i can’t believe it’s been a year

Hi guys, I’m back, for now. I started this blog last December, almost a year ago as a form of self expression at a time I felt I was unable to truly be myself around most the people in my life. Whether you’ve read from this blog before or not, I am an openly gay teen (16) and here I go by the name John. Anyway, this blog was a means of sharing my feelings with anyone when I couldn’t with those I knew personally, but things have changed since. I initially came out to my friends and then the world 8 months ago! I can’t believe it’s been so long, but something else is the reason I am here today right now.

Today, last year I finally accepted that I was gay, and I am absolutely astonished how much has changed in my life and my views on the world. In the past year, though not by much, I managed to crawl out of the lonely dark hole I had found comfortable in the past to actually interact with more than a few select friends. I know what I like in a guy (this probably sounds kind of weird, but for a while I was completely lost and had no idea what I was actually physically attracted to in a man). I have way more friends with which I can openly talk to about most stuff, like boys 😉 Everyone in my year knows who I am (also kind of a weird one) and finally, obviously, I am a thristy bitch looking for a boyfriend. So yeah basically, I kind of consider myself normal for the first time in forever.

Anyway, I’ve lost the plot on what I wanted to say, but basically I’m in one of my highs in my constant swinging moods and I wanted to share that and if anything can be taken from this, it’s that things do get better, you just have to give it time, so stop being so impatient! All jokes aside, I am really happy with who I am and being gay is as amazing as ever.

I hope you’re having a great day or will have a great day!

Love, John.

P.S. make sure to share this with anyone you please and comment on what you might like to read about in the future

don’t be afraid – my story… so far

Chances are that this is the first time that you are reading one of my blog posts. Even though this may be the case, I will not be shamelessly plugging my previous posts, I don’t care if you read them, do what you want to do.

For a long time I questioned my sexuality, mainly based on the fact that I didn’t seem to be as infatuated with girls as all of the other boys. Of course I lied and joined conversations about the girls in my school that “I found fit”, who I liked, you know, the normal stuff. Just under a year ago, I was still just like that. Thinking about that even now seems so bizarre and almost unbelievable. I can’t believe how much my life could have possibly changed in a single year. And just for the record: this is from a kid who moved across the globe for most of his childhood, so yes, I know change. When I found out, no. When I accepted who I was, I was filled with a mangled concoction of feelings, I was happy, still confused, dazed, mildy upset but most of all excited. I had just opened one of the greatest chapters of my life and now I could explore it. I buried myself in research on the LGBTQ+ community, hungry to discover what I was a part of. Even with all of this newfound knowledge and excitement though, I was afraid to tell those closest to me about my true self. I couldn’t tell my loving supportive family for 5 months. I came out through Instagram to everyone, perhaps mistakedly as it led to my aunt accidently outing me to my parents before I had the chance to tell them myself.

Now that I was out, I was hit with another rush of excitement, my life would be so different and for the better. I didn’t have to supress myself for the fear of people calling me gay, because who cares, it’s true. It wasn’t exactly smooth sailing from there and strangely enough I found trouble right where I least expected it: home. In all of the holidays that have passed since coming out, I don’t think I haven’t had a serious argument with my parents. I don’t blame them, in fact I don’t think it has anything to do with them having any problem with having a gay son, and more my frustration that they couldn’t see what I was going through. Coming out wasn’t what I expected. Deep down in my mind I had stupidly thought that coming out would inspire others in the closet to do the same. It wasn’t the case, and by the time the summer vacations arrived I felt more alone than ever before. There was no one I could talk to about what I was going through and about how I felt. Obviously, I had my friends but they don’t understand. As heterosexuals they grew up with role models and people just like them that they could ask anything and be given an answer. As of today, I still have no true friends, or for that matter know anyone in the LGBTQ+ community other than two kids at my school. There are no adults that I can just simply ask questions about what I feel. This feeling of complete isolation and the fact that I’m finally growing and have a enormous amount of hormones flowing violently through my body has led to serious mood swings that I think of as my highs and lows. In my highs I would be energetic, figgity, dancing, chatting and overall just having a great time. In my lows, I’ve reached the depths of sorrow that I previously ignored and didn’t even believe the existence of. I hated myself and took all my anger out on whoever was closest and easiest.

I don’t blame this on myself being gay, more on the society that once was and still has its deep roots in today’s life, keeping hate and fear for non-heterosexuals alive.

If you are still reading this, I am grateful because now I do get to tell you that it does get better, even if only by a little bit in the beginning. Having come back to my school for a fifth year (the longest I’ve ever been in one school) and my second last before I leave for university, I wanted to do something that meant something. If you are a US reader, then this may not seem so impressive, but here in the UK, it is not terribly common to have school LGBTQ+ clubs. That’s why I’ve decided to create my school’s first LGBTQ+ club with the two other “out” people in my year, and honestly planning it and just the thought has sent me spiralling out of this sad, cold depression and it feels like one of my highs without and end!

Please, if you are a young LGBTQ+ member we don’t have to be afraid. I am really sorry for those whom it is dangerous to be out for, but those of us in more accepting environments shouldn’t be afraid. Coming out isn’t a big deal and certainly isn’t something to fear.

Clearly, I am only 16 years old, so I don’t suggest taking my complete word for it, but I really hope that this can help people , and empower those like myself. You aren’t alone, you may just have to look a little harder for your friends than those around you.

Lots of Love, John.

perceptions on being gay

Before I start on what I am about to say, a quick disclaimer: I’ve only really accepted that I was gay about 7 months ago and have been out for 3 months, so I won’t pretend that I am a full grown gay veteran who’s been through all of it. I haven’t. Surprisingly the largest amount of homophobia I have encountered, so far, was during school from a classmate who told me I was gross the day after I came out. I’m not even sure if that was because of my updated sexual orientation status or because I was cramming cheese puffs by the handful in to my mouth…

With this considered, I think that I am extremely lucky to be in an environment where it is not only safe to be gay, but accepted (by almost everyone).

I haven’t been writing recently in my blog because I’ve just had my GCSEs (basically very important British exams students take when they’re 15/16). Luckily, my last exam is tomorrow, after which I get to leave school two weeks earlier than the rest for summer break. Anyway, back to the topic of this post: perceptions on being gay.

Ever since I accepted that I was gay, it became increasingly obvious to myself how my perception on being gay had basically done a u-turn from “it’s probably just a phase” to “I am genuinely happy that I’m gay, and it doesn’t matter that I am.” Before the night of my final acceptance I was actively checking out guys, and this is going to sound weird but I did it because I thought that somehow acting on my homosexual impulses would release all the urges so that I could finally be normal.

When I was twelve, around the time that I started “becoming a man” I had begun to notice that, although I knew the way the other boys were talking about girls was exaggerated, I wasn’t like them. It was like they knew something that I didn’t and it hurt to feel so excluded. Now I tried to find this “missing piece” that held me back from being like the other boys; I chose a girl in my school and said I liked her. I was pretty stupid. She ended up becoming my best friend for a while and I felt empty when she wasn’t around. I thought I had finally become a normal boy, because I was obsessed with a girl.

I’m not really sure if that’s relevant to the point I’m trying to get across, but basically what I’m trying to say is that now, I would never try to do that and I think that has something to do with being open about myself to myself, if that makes sense. To put it simply: before I accepted myself, I pushed myself to like girls and now that I have accepted myself I would be repulsed by the idea of it. Basically my perception on being gay had changed upon accepting being gay and for some reason that really intrigues me.

Quick side note – when I say “accept myself” though I do accept myself being gay, I more mean that it was the moment that I no longer dismissed it as a phase or told myself that I didn’t like boys. It was like a sudden jerk into reality that I was in fact a homosexual.

Let’s get back on track. I know that a part of it could be that I have to change my perception on being gay before I can truly accept myself, yet I’ve heard of so many people who obviously have had their “jerk in to reality” on being gay and still not being okay with it or accepting of others. Why is there a sudden change in perception? Is it because we’re now in the long haul and may as well stop resisting the currents of change? (I know, great metaphor) Why can one day someone be mortified by the possibility of being gay and the next be entranced by it. This was the case for me atleast.

Why do we fear being possibly gay when we aren’t sure and love it when we are sure? I’m not complaining, but I don’t understand the mental shift that we can go through so quickly upon an event that changes our lives such as the “jerk to reality” in discovering our homosexual orientation.

When I try head around it

I hope this wasn’t a complete waste of time for you like it might have been for me with an exam tomorrow after all. Maybe I’m just a dumb simpleton but for me this begs the question of why is there even a shift in perception, because really there shouldn’t be. It 2019 for heaven’s sake! It shouldn’t matter whether your gay, trans, lesbian, straight, pan or anything else, so why are so many people (myself included) afraid to come out to a modern and accepting community (in those countries where this actually applies). Thinking about this right now, when I am tired and totally not ready for an exam tomorrow morning makes me really angry and deeply upset. Is it because even in today’s modern accepting community, hints of internalised homophobia lurk around the corners of our streets tucked out of our view yet still present and haunting. I’m not going to say anymore because I’ve reached the point where I probably need to do more research and analysing of stuff in order to not make an even larger moron of myself than I already have.

Thank you for reading, I wish it was somewhat entertaining on your behalf.

That Boy.

my coming out pt.2

So just over 4 months ago I, John the (now) openly gay teenager, started this blog having finally accepted my sexuality. Wanting to scream to the world about my new self, I started writing a blog talking about it and my life. My second ever post that I made was titled “my coming out“, and in it I talked briefly about how I had started coming out to myself and my friends, but was unable to say anymore because there was nothing more to say since it had only been a few weeks. If you’ve read my other posts recently, then you will know that just over a month ago I outed myself through and Instagram post to all my friends and family. Right now I want to talk about my experience in order so that those still in the closet can find some comfort. This is in no way a justification that coming out is the best thing to do for everyone, because different people are brought up in different communities and with different beliefs. For me I was lucky and privileged to have been brought up in a community that it mostly accepting of gay people and in my past experience I really enjoyed being able to read about others coming out, because in my opinion it is truly a happy moment when one can finally accept themselves for who they are and those around them can do the same.

I previously talked about coming out to my friends and by the end of January, I had set myself a personal challenge of coming out to at least a person a day (keep in mind that my school has around 150 students per year). By doing this, I had finally accomplished being able to say “I am gay” in one quick easy sentence. No straining nor hesitation in saying the word “gay”. Now by the end of February I had come out to all of my friends and if I’m being perfectly honest, I was becoming happier. There was no longer awkward talks about “hot girls” and I was getting closer to a lot of my friends. I’m not exactly sure what took me over on the second of March in the year 2019. I was possibly on a happiness high, but I was sitting behind my computer watching youtube videos when I had the sudden craving to use Instagram. I had an account, but never posted anything. In my mind it was somewhat symbolic: a first post starting a new chapter in my life. So I did it, I thought about the right way to do it for 40 minutes and finally stuck to a completely random photo with a caption saying that I was no longer in the closet. Honestly, you’d be surprised how many followers you can gain in one day when you’re the first to publicly come out in your year.

In the end, everyone was incredibly supportive and my own aunt beat me to the chase of coming out to my parents 😂. This was an amazing experience for me and I don’t regret it, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe and brilliant for everyone to do so. I read this in another posting, I forget its name, but only you know when it’s safe and okay for you to come out, no one else can make that decision for you and you cannot take someone else’s story as incentive for you to do it yourself. Trust me when I say this though, you will know when the time is right 😁

a short story

This post is completely non-fiction, this isn’t based off of my own life experiences (I don’t have many), it is simply me writing creatively about a boy called Evan I have created. A quick warning however as this is a happy gay romance short story, I’m sick of reading or watching stories about gay couples who never make it.

I glanced across the immense lawn, scarred from the trampling of hundreds of uniformed students and their hard-soled shoes. Not twenty metres away, a flock of girls and boys encompassed a year 11 boy, my age, whom had a startled and almost angry expression across his face. Chris’ hair was tousled and unkempt, thick dark-brown hair. His face was long and tanned, his chiseled jawline held up his neat mouth and lips and perfect nose. Soft brown eyes matched his hair, giving a mesmerising effect which I would happily look at endlessly. I was staring. Suddenly, he was looking right back at me with a puzzled face. My heart skips a beat and blood flushes my cheeks as I whip my head back forwards; I tuck my books to my chest and briskly walk away as fast as looks normal. I’m unaware that he watches me until I melt into the ever growing crowd of students headed for the morning’s first lesson.

Three lessons later, I have Jake and Lily by my side babbling about our latest Chemistry assignment. Subconsciously we’ve been making our way to the centre of our school, the middle of the town it’s found in.

“Co Tes?” I question, suspending their argument, it’s our name for Tescos. Casually, both nod and leave their different opinions with their books as we set them down and continue to the exit of the building. I extend my arm to push the door open but instead find my palm firmly pressed against a chest. I look up from my hand and it’s him. Chris gives me a confused look as I remain completely still, frozen on the spot.

“Hi,” he says, even his voice is amazing. I open my mouth stupidly, but stay speechless until Jake pulls my arm down and pushes me against the wall, making way for Chris to pass. He looks somewhat disappointed yet departs for Mr King’s classroom. Jake leads the way, out the door and I follow. Sneakily I steal another look back and am mortified to see that he is still looking, but he waves and I awkwardly raise my hand halfway before the door blocks my view.

“Chris Williams! Oh my god! He’s so cute.” Lily squeals as we exit Tescos. I embarrassedly look down at my feet to hide my growing grin.

“Keep it down please!” I hiss under my breath, “I don’t need everyone finding out, especially him,” the thought sends icy chills through my body.

Jake gives me a grin, “How long have you had love eyes for him?” My face distorts and scrunches up at his question. Nothing is more awkward than talking to straight guys about guys, not that I don’t like that he tries to be supportive by doing so, but it’s so much harder to talk to guys about guys than talking to girls about guys.

“We are not having this conversation right now,” I say trying to tame their curiosity. I am fruitless.

“I think he likes you too,” Lily says normally with a contained small grin on her face. I look sheepishly to her. “I’m not kidding, you’re not the only one giving extended looks.” I actually die, when she says this.

“What are you talking about!” I cry, trying to mask the excitement with outrage and shock. She gives me a cute and suggestive smile as we re-enter the school centre.

“Maybe if you just keep your head off the desk during lessons, you could notice some wandering eyes too,” she teases before she quickly snatches her books from the floor and makes for Ms Smith to confirm what the Chemistry assignment is about.

Two weeks later and I begin to understand what Lily was talking about, though she refuses to say more. I can sometimes catch Chris peeking in my direction during classes and in the mornings, trying to seperate from his entourage heading my way, but being the idiot I am, I evade his attempts at conversation.

It’s break. “I’m a complete arse,” I say sadly to Grace, another friend who’s been let into the drama courtesy of Lily. She’s looking across the terrace of students and looks to me funnily.

She grabs my arm and violently hauls me from my seat into the thick of the horde of students. Faces blur as I am helplessly dragged across the terrace. “Grace. Grace, Grace!” I struggle to say whilst laughing though I am utterly unaware of her plans. “Where are we g-” I stop mid-sentence as my gaze falls upon the boy in front of us. My legs spasm and jolt as I pointlessly struggle against Grace’s powerful grasp. “Stop! Grace, please” I whisper loudly. Eyes fall upon me as I am pulled upright, only centimetres separating myself and Chris.

He gives me a curious look. “Have you got English next?” he asks innocently.

“Uhh..” I have to stop staring at his face. This is too awkward, I feel like curling up into a ball on the floor.

“He does,” Grace interjects calmly, handing me my books and smiling cheekily at me. Chris’ friends look at him weirdly, as if to say “What are you doing? Why do you want to walk with him.” I again keep my head down until we exit the area and then look up at him. He’s looking right at me.

“Hi,” he says, and I sense his nervousness. I begin to relax, if only a bit, understanding that I’m not the only one who’s shy and feeling awkward.

“Hey,” I reply. Honestly, at this moment that’s the best I could do. He smiles and in a rush, courage cascades swiftly throughout my being. “Is there something happening between us?” right after I say it, my heart sinks, anticipating the worst: Are you kidding? No. What could be possibly be happening between us? This was a mistake. I don’t like you, you’re a weirdo. I should’ve listened to my friends. You’re a creep, I hate you.

We reach the English department in silence and as we’re about to part ways he catches my wrist. “I hope so,” he responds. I stop and feel my blood flush from my body, my heart out of control, thumping louder than ever, my legs turn to jelly and I have trouble standing. “Talk to you later?” he continues. Giving me a wink he turns on his heel and departs. I remain stationary for a minute and then climb the stairs to my classroom practically gasping for air. That did not just happen!

Three days later and it’s a Sunday. I am sitting outside of my house on a stone wall swinging my feet through the overgrown grass beneath me. The sky is mottled with white spots of clouds enshrouded in a bright playful blue. The birds twitter and chirp as the wind gently blows through my hair. My senses are next made aware of the mild rustling of gravel under shoes and I bring my head around to face its source. How can he be so perfect? His clothes are neat and stylish, completely in tune with his physical appearance. It’s like the clothes were made solely to be worn by him since both compliment each other so well.

“Hi.” How does he do that? Every time he says it, the swarm of butterflies confined in my stomach make a ruckus. He smiles so genuinely and kindly, “Should we go?”

It’s my turn to speak and I savagely beat down the cowardice I feel. “Yeah, let’s go.”

We walk for a long time through the town and through fields. With every word it becomes easier to speak and I feel myself becoming lighter. We talk about school, assignments, teachers (I was especially pleased that we could agree on Mr Keath being an absolute prat), family, holidays, food, hobbies, sport and more. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel restrained in speech, I could say anything I wanted to, a freedom that I sometimes didn’t even have with my friends. Somehow the topic of Shawn Mendes arises.

“He’s so hot!” I exclaim. Chris looks at me and just laughs, to which I bashfully shut my mouth and try to hide my burning cheeks. Chris walks ahead and stops in the middle of a clearing encompassed by forest on all sides. It’s a near perfect circle of lush green grass that interrupts the dense forestry. I look up and he beckons me towards him.

“Shawn Mendes is cute,” he assures me, and I look up at him. Our eye contact is out-of-this-world, something I have never felt before overcomes me. I find my chest pressed against his. His hand rises, thumb extended from the rest of his hand, his expression is calm and happy. His thumb brushes against my chin as the other fingers glide across my neck, his thumb remaining on my jawline. His fingers on my nape he says, “But I’d rather be here with someone else.”

I gulp, but keep staring in to his eyes as he does the same with me. Dumbly I ask, “Who would that be?”

His head tilts slightly as it conquers distance from mine. I feel his breath on me and I become engrossed in the moment. Nothing else matters at this moment anymore. I move my face forward in response and our lips remain apart by the width of a pencil. He smiles and I return it. Our lips make contact softly and we stay still for several seconds, when we both pull away synchronised. I cannot begin to pretend that it was a brilliant kiss, it was my first, but for me I felt like nothing could ever top it. We both just stand there smiling and staring at each other and then we hug. We hug for minutes on end.

By the time we’ve gotten back to my house again the sun is dipping into the horizon. We’ve been holding hands, and I’m happier than I’ve been for a long time. We stop and stand still at the door.

I open my mouth but cannot find the right words. He looks upset. “Is this what you want?” he asks me and I am totally flabbergasted.

“What?” I hold his gaze and smile. “Of course.” He lets out a sigh.

“Good,” he answers. “That means I can do this.” He leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “And this.” His lips are again planted on my own and my worries melt away. I forget that Lily is coming over for our Geography assignment, so as we pull apart I see her in the corner of my eye grinning madly and actually hopping up and down with joy. Chris turns to face her and becomes bashful himself.

Lily comes over, looks us both over shortly and burst out, “This is freaking amazing!” Chris and I just look at each other and smile.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Chris quietly asks me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I reply beaming.

a whole month

If you haven’t read my previous blog posts then let me introduce myself: my name is John and I am a fifteen-year-old gay boy. To those few who had read my previous blog posts, I am sorry for being gone for so long.

Quick recap to those new to this blog and a refresher to those who have read previous posts; in October last year, I finally accepted all of the signs that had been pointing out that I was a homosexual and came out to myself. From there in the next month I began to come out to my close friends, and began writing a blog in order to release all of my inner turmoils. By the end of my first term of school this academic year, I stopped writing.

The reason for my return now, is that it’s been over a whole month since I officially came out to the world and it’s been a really pleasant experience luckily. Having discovered my homosexuality, I had gone on a spree finding out about everything there is to know about the LGBTQ community (not that I know that much now, I’m pretty lousy at remembering things) and one of the largest things that scared me about being gay was coming out to my friends and especially my family. I had read so many accounts of parents neglecting, ignoring and even kicking out their children who have come out as gay. I am lucky enough to have been brought up in communities where this is not the case, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t scared of how my parents might react. During my childhood, I had never really been exposed to any gay culture, basically I had never met anyone who was openly gay and whenever the conversation of homosexuality was brought up, it was quickly shot down by either of my parents. Upon questioning them on why this was, my mother told me that my father simply couldn’t understand how one man could sexually desire another man and he just didn’t like talking about it, though he would not hate me nor my siblings should we have come out as gay in the future, it would just take some adjusting. I was told this when I was seven years old, and right up until by public coming out, it had been one of the main factors that I didn’t want to come out. Having been out to my family now for just over a month, I realise that there was no reason to be scared, because he is in fact very supportive and completely casual when we discuss the topic. The shocking part for me was finding that I had maybe mixed up the signs that my parents had been giving me, because lately my mother has been acting kind of strange and almost homophobically around me. I don’t mean to say that she is a homophobe, but it’s small things that I catch during our interactions privately and publicly. For example, upon returning home for the easter break, I had decided to wear a simple wire ring on my index finger. I don’t know why I did it, I simply felt an urge to wear some sort of jewelry. My mother’s weird reaction actually caught me off guard, “Why are you wearing a ring?” I know from reading this off of a screen on your device this doesn’t sound terribly shocking and it isn’t really, but the snide and almost mean tone she took whilst saying it was giving across another message, “Boys don’t wear rings, take it off.” There are also other small things like casually flinging around the word “gay” as something weird or odd and even calling things I say “gaybles”. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, I think that maybe it’s information shared between gays, but it’s not really nice to hear from her and there is only one other openly gay boy in my year at school that I could possibly confer secret information and tips with, but we don’t really talk anyway.

Other than my mother’s surprising change in attitude towards me, my coming out has made me happier and I’m not even being bullied or teased by other boys, which was a pleasant surprise unlike the first.

I’m really hope that this was somewhat entertaining or nice to read about; it doesn’t matter whether you only read this because you were bored, it’s nice to know that I can share my stories with everybody in the world (or at least those that have access to a computer). Please contact me or leave a comment for any feedback or suggestions on future topics for blogs and remember to follow me on WordPress and Instagram @anothernormalboy. Also, tag anything you feel is related to me or my life or sexuality with #anothernormalboy.

more about relationships

If you’ve been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know that my name is John and I am 15 years old. This means that I am in school and in fact in a very important year for any British student of my age because of the looming GCSEs that coming in June. About 2 weeks ago I had these practice examinations called “mocks” that we do in order to get a taste for how GCSE exams are and what the marking scheme is like. I’ve already gotten these results back and from them, it is obvious that I have not studied enough (some were good, though most were borderline acceptable for my parents and teachers). This leads me to the question: how is it that I manage to avoid/ignore all revision opportunities and advice that I have? The simple answer is distractions. I pride myself on the extent of movies and tv series I’ve watched as this means I can typically chip into any interesting conversations about most of them. It’s become an addiction however that is interfering with my studies. It probably sounds stupid to call it an addiction when there are more serious cases of it with alcohol and gambling, but I’m serious as it can simply take me over during boring revision. One minute I’m doing a practice Biology paper and the next I’m watching the latest episode of “Riverdale” or watching the new Netflix movie that I know isn’t that good but can’t help myself.

Another important (maybe not as significant as the last 😉 is the dating/meeting up of two of my closest friends. These are not the ones I talked about in one of my previous blogs. This is a relationship that would make my heart melt if it succeeds. He is Jim, a tall half-asian half-brit, strong and muscly and one of the best swimmers in the school who is in my house (the school is separated into multiple “houses”) and been my friend since we met over 2 years ago. She is Lili, short, funny and compelling in a way I can’t explain and sometimes the reason I’m scared that maybe I actually haven’t fully discovered my sexuality. I’ve known her for a year longer than Jim, but only became proper good friends last year whilst attending the same art class. They are 2 of the 5 people I’ve told that I’m gay and I might go as far as saying that I love them (in the friend way). The weird thing going on between the two is something that’s been going on since the night I told Lili about my sexuality about a month ago. We were going on a walk through town on Saturday night, talking about our lives and stuff and I had been trying to tell her that I was gay for about a week but never found the right moment. We were walking down my house’s street and I can’t recall exactly what we were talking about but I decided it was time and told her I had something to tell her and that it was important and immediately she cut me off saying “Let me guess, you’re gay?” in a jokingly way. I’d like to say that I was stunned by the straight forward guess, but I’ve found lately that this is what most people strangely think of when someone says they have something important to say and it’s kind of annoying because although I did call it something important, it shouldn’t really be the immediate assumption. That’s not important though. Whilst asking me she was looking at me and the look on my face must have shocked her because she mustn’t have been expecting me to not deny it. She first asked me if I was joking or being serious, but upon confirmation she smiled at me and said, “ok”. We then resumed our conversation of favourite Riverdale moments and characters. Jim, I had told the week before and he too was completely unchanged in his attitude towards me afterwards; it was almost as if they already knew (they have however confirmed that they had not suspicions of me being gay). 

I love that the thing between them could be something more and I am somewhat largely involved in getting them together, but at the same time, I have a weird feeling inside me that heavily counters my newfound sexuality’s characteristics. One of the main things that this includes is the longing to be with Lili and talk about everything (perhaps boys, because I know so much that I am attracted to men). I’ve considered what this could mean and come to the conclusion that it is more of a brother-sister feeling that I’ve got with her and me being protective maybe, hopefully.

The thing is that I know myself and I don’t like women, but Lili did throw my feelings off balance for a while. As I’m writing I get the feeling that it has been almost therapeutic; releasing my raging emotions and feelings has allowed me to think properly about them for real and know that I’m not a liar when I’m talking about my sexuality. 

I’m really hope that this was somewhat entertaining or nice to read about; it doesn’t matter whether you only read this because you were bored, it’s nice to know that I can share my secrets and stories with everybody in the world (or at least those that have access to a computer). Please contact me or leave a comment for any feedback or suggestions on future topics for blogs and remember to follow me on WordPress and Instagram @anothernormalboy. Also, tag anything you feel is related to me or my life or sexuality with #anothernormalboy. 

Thanks for reading, John.