i’m being unreasonable

It’s not really fair, but currently I’m being unreasonably angry, annoyed, jealous and a little rude with my roommate. He found out this morning that he won the Google Code-In competition, which is actually a really big deal because only about 58 out of 20,000 people who participated win. Because, he’s won the competition, he’s going to San Fransisco for a couple days in June, where he’ll be taken around the place, to Facebook and Google HQ, etc. It’s a really amazing experience, and I would be lying if I said that he didn’t deserve to be a winner. He is a serious coder, and really enjoys all the work he does, which is probably one of the reasons I’m annoyed with him right now. How can he already know what he likes, be good at it and win a worldwide competition doing it, when I’m still as sure of what I want to do as a melon is sure it’s a melon. Melons are inanimate objects, so the metaphor works. Being a winner in the competition also gives him a major boost in his CV, especially since he wants to do a computing-related course at university. I was fine before, even though he had coding and that was his thing because oher than that we were still at the same place, but now he’s miles ahead and it’s a horrible shocker that the real world is approaching even quicker. I hate how ready he is to find his place in the world and that he’ll probably end up leaving me behind as he goes to some amazing american university and I’m stuck in England, messaging him a couple times a month, until we stop communicating altogether. Maybe this would have been fine, if he was just my roommate, but he’s my best friend, we’ve been friends for over four years, and going strong. This is something that I’ve never done before, because of all the moving across the world every couple of years. In no way am I complaining that I got such an experience as living all over the world as a child but it was hard because, I can say I’ll stay close to my friends, but really, we eventually lose contact and they become as distant as the strangers I pass on the sidewalks. I’ve already lost so many best friends, and I really don’t want to lose my roommate.

I guess that I’m just jealous that he’s going to do really well in life, whilst enjoying it, unlike myself, and in the process of becoming amazing, I’ll probably be left behind.

my friend just came out to me!

So, I’ve already posted today, but I just received some news that just makes my heart melt. I’ve been in my school for 4+ years now, and that’s a record for me since before I used to move around a lot so I never really stayed anywhere longer than 4 years, and I’ve known my friend, we’ll call her Meg, since I came to this school. For the first year we talked, and then the second we barely looked at one another (we had no lessons together), but the last two years we were in the same Art set, and we became really close friends. She was the first girl I came out to last year and we both agree that it made our friendship stronger afterwards. Anyway, today we were just walking and talking when she was telling me about all kinds of things I never knew about her, mainly focused around her family, and then we reached her boarding house and we just stayed outside in the cold, still talking. She had already told me so much she doesn’t like to tell people, and we finally stopped talking. I had a haircut to get to, but she said she wanted to tell me something, but also felt she couldn’t. Randomly, as you do, I simply said, “You’re bisexual?” I don’t know why, because she’d never really stricken me as not straight, but then she nodded and something inside me just burst. I was so happy, and I don’t know why. I don’t want people thinking that I want everyone to be gay or just not hetero, because that’s not true. I believe that the main reason this really struck a chord with me is that there are only two other LGBTQ kids in my year (excluding Meg) and neither are really my friends, but to now find out that one of my best friends isn’t straight, feels amazing; I finally have someone who can relate.

The weirdest part about this is that she’s known for longer than I have, but isn’t out, and thinking back I feel like I should feel hurt that she didn’t come out to me last year when I did, but I guess it doesn’t matter because honestly right now I don’t care. I just feel bad though because I don’t believe she’s ashamed or afraid about her sexuality but she can’t come out fully because she doesn’t believe her parents will accept it, and she may be right. I do hope she’ll have the courage in the future to be able to fully be herself, but until then I have my very own B.B.F (Bisexual Best Friend) whom I’m very proud of!

That last part was a joke, please don’t take offence in it, no one should be objectified by their sexuality or any other feature whether it be mental or physical.

Love, John.

P.S. Apologies for the flag, I had to make one and I’m pretty sure the colours are completely off, but I tried my best…

more about relationships

If you’ve been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know that my name is John and I am 15 years old. This means that I am in school and in fact in a very important year for any British student of my age because of the looming GCSEs that coming in June. About 2 weeks ago I had these practice examinations called “mocks” that we do in order to get a taste for how GCSE exams are and what the marking scheme is like. I’ve already gotten these results back and from them, it is obvious that I have not studied enough (some were good, though most were borderline acceptable for my parents and teachers). This leads me to the question: how is it that I manage to avoid/ignore all revision opportunities and advice that I have? The simple answer is distractions. I pride myself on the extent of movies and tv series I’ve watched as this means I can typically chip into any interesting conversations about most of them. It’s become an addiction however that is interfering with my studies. It probably sounds stupid to call it an addiction when there are more serious cases of it with alcohol and gambling, but I’m serious as it can simply take me over during boring revision. One minute I’m doing a practice Biology paper and the next I’m watching the latest episode of “Riverdale” or watching the new Netflix movie that I know isn’t that good but can’t help myself.

Another important (maybe not as significant as the last 😉 is the dating/meeting up of two of my closest friends. These are not the ones I talked about in one of my previous blogs. This is a relationship that would make my heart melt if it succeeds. He is Jim, a tall half-asian half-brit, strong and muscly and one of the best swimmers in the school who is in my house (the school is separated into multiple “houses”) and been my friend since we met over 2 years ago. She is Lili, short, funny and compelling in a way I can’t explain and sometimes the reason I’m scared that maybe I actually haven’t fully discovered my sexuality. I’ve known her for a year longer than Jim, but only became proper good friends last year whilst attending the same art class. They are 2 of the 5 people I’ve told that I’m gay and I might go as far as saying that I love them (in the friend way). The weird thing going on between the two is something that’s been going on since the night I told Lili about my sexuality about a month ago. We were going on a walk through town on Saturday night, talking about our lives and stuff and I had been trying to tell her that I was gay for about a week but never found the right moment. We were walking down my house’s street and I can’t recall exactly what we were talking about but I decided it was time and told her I had something to tell her and that it was important and immediately she cut me off saying “Let me guess, you’re gay?” in a jokingly way. I’d like to say that I was stunned by the straight forward guess, but I’ve found lately that this is what most people strangely think of when someone says they have something important to say and it’s kind of annoying because although I did call it something important, it shouldn’t really be the immediate assumption. That’s not important though. Whilst asking me she was looking at me and the look on my face must have shocked her because she mustn’t have been expecting me to not deny it. She first asked me if I was joking or being serious, but upon confirmation she smiled at me and said, “ok”. We then resumed our conversation of favourite Riverdale moments and characters. Jim, I had told the week before and he too was completely unchanged in his attitude towards me afterwards; it was almost as if they already knew (they have however confirmed that they had not suspicions of me being gay). 

I love that the thing between them could be something more and I am somewhat largely involved in getting them together, but at the same time, I have a weird feeling inside me that heavily counters my newfound sexuality’s characteristics. One of the main things that this includes is the longing to be with Lili and talk about everything (perhaps boys, because I know so much that I am attracted to men). I’ve considered what this could mean and come to the conclusion that it is more of a brother-sister feeling that I’ve got with her and me being protective maybe, hopefully.

The thing is that I know myself and I don’t like women, but Lili did throw my feelings off balance for a while. As I’m writing I get the feeling that it has been almost therapeutic; releasing my raging emotions and feelings has allowed me to think properly about them for real and know that I’m not a liar when I’m talking about my sexuality. 

I’m really hope that this was somewhat entertaining or nice to read about; it doesn’t matter whether you only read this because you were bored, it’s nice to know that I can share my secrets and stories with everybody in the world (or at least those that have access to a computer). Please contact me or leave a comment for any feedback or suggestions on future topics for blogs and remember to follow me on WordPress and Instagram @anothernormalboy. Also, tag anything you feel is related to me or my life or sexuality with #anothernormalboy. 

Thanks for reading, John.