party time

Hi my name is John and I’m writing for the first time a blog on my phone, because I have no access to a computer. The reason for this is because I’m at a party for one of my family member’s important birthday and therefore the whole family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is here to celebrate it.

If I’m at a party though, why am I on my phone writing a blog instead of socializing with my family? The obvious answer to that is that most of them are a few years older than me and though that doesn’t seem like it would make a big deal, it does when I’m 15 and they’re over 18 (the legal drinking age). Therefore they’ve all achieved being drunk, playing weird beer games and I sit at the far end of the table absent-mindedly staring at their fun and typing a blog on my phone. Fun.

Another reason I’m writing in for the fact that not only am I bored but anxious for something that simultaneously I do and don’t want to do. If I did do it then it would probably be a huge relief and weight lifted off my shoulders. However some of them may not like it or believe me and if I do do it then I cannot really take it back if it turns out I’m wrong, which is something that greatly worries me. The only reason the idea of it occurred to me is because this is quite an emotional event and the whole family is here, so I could come clean to all of them at once, but now some have already left and the rest are preoccupied with conversations and I don’t really have to guts.

This leads to something that has recently been worrying me. In my first blog posting I came out as gay and I really do believe I’m gay most of the time as I can’t really think of women in a sexual manner. I have a fear however that one day I may actually fall in love with a woman and not be gay and then I’d have to explain everything to the people I came out to that I in fact was not gay, which would not only be an awkward conversation but lead to future distrust of me. This also scares me because I want to be gay. It’s that simple, upon coming out to myself I’ve decided that I do not want to be straight. I want to be in a same-sex relationship and it scares me to think that maybe this is just a phase and that I will not end up with my own Knight in shining armour but with the beautiful princess.

Finally I think that I’ve run my mouth enough for tonight. I’m sorry if it’s a bit short or doesn’t really make sense, though I am writing this at midnight so I hope you can forgive me if that’s the case. Please contact me or leave a comment for any feedback on writing styles or topics and please do give suggestions to what you’d be interested in reading.

Goodnight, John.

life

Firstly I’d like to clarify that this blog is purely a means of release of stress and mental energy by writing completely about myself and my life, you won’t gain anything out of this other than knowing a bit about me for when you’re bored or possibly feeling a bit stalkerish ;-).

Hi, my name is John and I’m 15 years old. I’m just a kid, apparently. I have some very important exams next year in June called GCSEs and I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of afraid as these are some of the most important exams of my life, determining whether I stay in my current school, what subjects I will be choosing in the next academic year and can affect university applications. Effectively, they play a large role in my future endeavors. 

In my school I wouldn’t call myself a popular or “cool” kid though everyone seems to know my name as I am the silent, small (but finally growing) intriguing boy that everybody seems to remember from a school play 3 years ago. Frankly, I don’t have many friends and that is my fault, I’m quite a sour person and normally find myself more drawn to the unpopular teens of my year other than the jittery and wild girls or big punk guys. I could probably count the number of proper friends I have on 2 hands, but these aren’t those that I know and then occasionally talk to. These are the people I talk to every day and could call my family (we do in fact refer to ourselves as a little dysfunctional family), but like a real family we have our fallouts and currently, because of a relationship between two of us, tensions have been slowly but steadily rising. It doesn’t help that I’m keeping a pretty significant secret from them and Daisy (the one who’s in a relationship) constantly complains about being mentally exhausted and stressed from current occurrences with her other friends. This is not only annoying since, not to be self-obsessed, she’s not the only one stressed or tired and her friends are annoyed at her because she lied to them and once the news came out she told them that she hadn’t told them because she didn’t trust them. Yikes! The directly affects another member of the family who was one the people Daisy told this to. The weirdest part though is that it seems to be a couple’s thing since David (her boyfriend) seems to be increasing irritating lately as well, constantly whining like a child, talking about himself and his success in relationships and being best friends with one of the loudest and egotistical people I know.

On another not-completely-unrelated topic, my love life (can we call it that at my age?) is more uneventful than ever now that I’ve confirmed that I absolutely, most definitely don’t feel attraction to women. Why does this make it more uneventful? Although I’d never have the courage to do it, at least being straight means there’s a much higher chance of finding someone who you like, and most importantly, is attracted to your someone of your gender (in case you didn’t get it I was describing a female). Being a closeted gay boy in a secondary school with only 100 boys in your year makes it quite difficult to start a same-sex relationship with someone who you actually like, not just any gay boy who comes around. Something that confuses me about this thought process of relationships, is that it also seems unlike anything I had ever experienced or thought of before. Obviously I had thought about having a girlfriend in the past but only because that was what I had seen around me and in movies and I never really ever felt deeper emotions than a need to seem normal by having a girlfriend because I thought that once I reached that step everything would fall in place. The truth is that I was never going to know what would happen afterwards because, deep down, my conscious had other plans for me. One of the reasons I probably never really considered a same-sex relationship for myself was because first off it wasn’t seen as normal and I think that, off the top of my head, I can only remember ever meeting one gay couple though only because my parents told me that I’d met them as a child. So in reality, due to a lack of exposure to same-sex relationship couples, I never thought of the idea to have that kind of relationship.

I think that I have sufficiently drained most of my energy, so that’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed leaching from my small life events and leave any comments on things you’d like me to write about or ways I could improve my writing.

my coming out

HOMOPHOBES BEWARE : GAY CONTENT

I’ve recently taken one of my first steps to take control of my life. I came out to my closest friends that I’m gay and I’d like to share my feelings on the topic of coming out and why it isn’t something you should be scared of doing, however, in some cases, should be done with some caution as not everyone will be as accepting.

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself” – Jim Morrison

The first person I told is my closest friend and roommate, Paul. I think that the first step to coming out is to be completely honest with your most trusted friend in your life, whether this is a family member or friend. This is a crucial first step to coming out as it makes it easier to be able to say it to more people. Personally, I had quite a bit of trouble actually saying the word, “gay”. And was stuck saying, “I’m …” a few times before managing to get it out. This isn’t always so simple though as to some it can be thought of as a lie or plea for attention, and then it is confirming it with all honesty that can be very hard especially when you could easily say you weren’t being serious and become stuck in the closet yet again.

Upon telling the first person, it becomes easier to tell the other significant people in your life, for me this was by telling Liam and Jessica. This can be done anywhere, I found that it was easier to say when we were alone. And in my opinion, I should be told in person as it is a large step in embracing the new and better (cringe, I know) person you become.

The Next Step

I can’t say much more about the topic yet, as I still have to do so much more to complete, in my own coming out experience. This will probably be telling all my friends gradually and finally, once I summoned up as much courage as I possibly can, my family.

Please tell me about your own coming out experiences (if you aren’t straight), if you feel like it would help you as I always find that it is easier to deal with something when you have someone to tell and talk to about it. Thank you for reading my blog and be sure to share it with friends or family.

the beginning

Recently I’ve discovered a whole new part of me, and though I am camera shy, I’m not afraid to share this new and confusing side of me with the world.

A good beginning makes a good end. — Louis L’Amour

An Introduction

As a starter, I would like to inform all readers that this will be an anonymous blog, my name and my friends’ names will be changed, for safety and privacy reasons.

My name is John, I am 15 years old and am currently in school in England. My family consists of six members: me, my parents, two siblings and a dog. I have quite a few friends who are great and fun, however, am not one of the “cool kids”, and until recently was quite reclusive and shy.

A Revelation

About a month ago, I was watching a Netflix movie called, “Alex Strangelove.” It is the story about a high school senior who plans on losing his virginity to his girlfriend but finds himself oddly uninterested and afraid of the event. Furthermore, he meets an openly gay young man from the other side of town. Between the two events, he finds himself on a rollercoaster of mixed emotions about his sexual identity.

By the end of the movie, I found myself sick in the stomach due to a mix and brutal bashing of my emotions. Later that night I was crying, but from joy and it was relieving to release the complex emotions that disrupted my insides. Through a series of events including the discovery of Tom Daley, a British Olympic diver, being gay and happily married to Lance Black and re-watching “Love, Simon”, I finally accepted the fact, which had been lurking in my mind for 2 years, I was bisexual! Well, not really. That was what I tried to convince myself for the next week, however, I have now for two weeks finally accepted that I wasn’t even attracted to women, but simply only men.

So Far

I have come out to a select few of my closest friends, who have all been completely normal about it and I don’t know what I was even worrying about upon my newfound sexuality. I still have to come out to my family but I think that will have to wait until quite a bit into the future, preferably once I’m sixteen and stress levels about current events in the family come down.

I really hope that this has been enjoying to read, it has been a nice method of release for me, and I will be writing more about my daily life, its events and perhaps other things that anyone can suggest through commenting it or emailing me. Also if anyone has any questions or feedback, please do tell me.