perceptions on being gay

Before I start on what I am about to say, a quick disclaimer: I’ve only really accepted that I was gay about 7 months ago and have been out for 3 months, so I won’t pretend that I am a full grown gay veteran who’s been through all of it. I haven’t. Surprisingly the largest amount of homophobia I have encountered, so far, was during school from a classmate who told me I was gross the day after I came out. I’m not even sure if that was because of my updated sexual orientation status or because I was cramming cheese puffs by the handful in to my mouth…

With this considered, I think that I am extremely lucky to be in an environment where it is not only safe to be gay, but accepted (by almost everyone).

I haven’t been writing recently in my blog because I’ve just had my GCSEs (basically very important British exams students take when they’re 15/16). Luckily, my last exam is tomorrow, after which I get to leave school two weeks earlier than the rest for summer break. Anyway, back to the topic of this post: perceptions on being gay.

Ever since I accepted that I was gay, it became increasingly obvious to myself how my perception on being gay had basically done a u-turn from “it’s probably just a phase” to “I am genuinely happy that I’m gay, and it doesn’t matter that I am.” Before the night of my final acceptance I was actively checking out guys, and this is going to sound weird but I did it because I thought that somehow acting on my homosexual impulses would release all the urges so that I could finally be normal.

When I was twelve, around the time that I started “becoming a man” I had begun to notice that, although I knew the way the other boys were talking about girls was exaggerated, I wasn’t like them. It was like they knew something that I didn’t and it hurt to feel so excluded. Now I tried to find this “missing piece” that held me back from being like the other boys; I chose a girl in my school and said I liked her. I was pretty stupid. She ended up becoming my best friend for a while and I felt empty when she wasn’t around. I thought I had finally become a normal boy, because I was obsessed with a girl.

I’m not really sure if that’s relevant to the point I’m trying to get across, but basically what I’m trying to say is that now, I would never try to do that and I think that has something to do with being open about myself to myself, if that makes sense. To put it simply: before I accepted myself, I pushed myself to like girls and now that I have accepted myself I would be repulsed by the idea of it. Basically my perception on being gay had changed upon accepting being gay and for some reason that really intrigues me.

Quick side note – when I say “accept myself” though I do accept myself being gay, I more mean that it was the moment that I no longer dismissed it as a phase or told myself that I didn’t like boys. It was like a sudden jerk into reality that I was in fact a homosexual.

Let’s get back on track. I know that a part of it could be that I have to change my perception on being gay before I can truly accept myself, yet I’ve heard of so many people who obviously have had their “jerk in to reality” on being gay and still not being okay with it or accepting of others. Why is there a sudden change in perception? Is it because we’re now in the long haul and may as well stop resisting the currents of change? (I know, great metaphor) Why can one day someone be mortified by the possibility of being gay and the next be entranced by it. This was the case for me atleast.

Why do we fear being possibly gay when we aren’t sure and love it when we are sure? I’m not complaining, but I don’t understand the mental shift that we can go through so quickly upon an event that changes our lives such as the “jerk to reality” in discovering our homosexual orientation.

I hope this wasn’t a complete waste of time for you like it might have been for me with an exam tomorrow after all. Maybe I’m just a dumb simpleton but for me this begs the question of why is there even a shift in perception, because really there shouldn’t be. It 2019 for heaven’s sake! It shouldn’t matter whether your gay, trans, lesbian, straight, pan or anything else, so why are so many people (myself included) afraid to come out to a modern and accepting community (in those countries where this actually applies). Thinking about this right now, when I am tired and totally not ready for an exam tomorrow morning makes me really angry and deeply upset. Is it because even in today’s modern accepting community, hints of internalised homophobia lurk around the corners of our streets tucked out of our view yet still present and haunting. I’m not going to say anymore because I’ve reached the point where I probably need to do more research and analysing of stuff in order to not make an even larger moron of myself than I already have.

Thank you for reading, I wish it was somewhat entertaining on your behalf.

That Boy.

my coming out pt.2

So just over 4 months ago I, John the (now) openly gay teenager, started this blog having finally accepted my sexuality. Wanting to scream to the world about my new self, I started writing a blog talking about it and my life. My second ever post that I made was titled “my coming out“, and in it I talked briefly about how I had started coming out to myself and my friends, but was unable to say anymore because there was nothing more to say since it had only been a few weeks. If you’ve read my other posts recently, then you will know that just over a month ago I outed myself through and Instagram post to all my friends and family. Right now I want to talk about my experience in order so that those still in the closet can find some comfort. This is in no way a justification that coming out is the best thing to do for everyone, because different people are brought up in different communities and with different beliefs. For me I was lucky and privileged to have been brought up in a community that it mostly accepting of gay people and in my past experience I really enjoyed being able to read about others coming out, because in my opinion it is truly a happy moment when one can finally accept themselves for who they are and those around them can do the same.

I previously talked about coming out to my friends and by the end of January, I had set myself a personal challenge of coming out to at least a person a day (keep in mind that my school has around 150 students per year). By doing this, I had finally accomplished being able to say “I am gay” in one quick easy sentence. No straining nor hesitation in saying the word “gay”. Now by the end of February I had come out to all of my friends and if I’m being perfectly honest, I was becoming happier. There was no longer awkward talks about “hot girls” and I was getting closer to a lot of my friends. I’m not exactly sure what took me over on the second of March in the year 2019. I was possibly on a happiness high, but I was sitting behind my computer watching youtube videos when I had the sudden craving to use Instagram. I had an account, but never posted anything. In my mind it was somewhat symbolic: a first post starting a new chapter in my life. So I did it, I thought about the right way to do it for 40 minutes and finally stuck to a completely random photo with a caption saying that I was no longer in the closet. Honestly, you’d be surprised how many followers you can gain in one day when you’re the first to publicly come out in your year.

In the end, everyone was incredibly supportive and my own aunt beat me to the chase of coming out to my parents 😂. This was an amazing experience for me and I don’t regret it, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe and brilliant for everyone to do so. I read this in another posting, I forget its name, but only you know when it’s safe and okay for you to come out, no one else can make that decision for you and you cannot take someone else’s story as incentive for you to do it yourself. Trust me when I say this though, you will know when the time is right 😁

party time

Hi my name is John and I’m writing for the first time a blog on my phone, because I have no access to a computer. The reason for this is because I’m at a party for one of my family member’s important birthday and therefore the whole family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is here to celebrate it.

If I’m at a party though, why am I on my phone writing a blog instead of socializing with my family? The obvious answer to that is that most of them are a few years older than me and though that doesn’t seem like it would make a big deal, it does when I’m 15 and they’re over 18 (the legal drinking age). Therefore they’ve all achieved being drunk, playing weird beer games and I sit at the far end of the table absent-mindedly staring at their fun and typing a blog on my phone. Fun.

Another reason I’m writing in for the fact that not only am I bored but anxious for something that simultaneously I do and don’t want to do. If I did do it then it would probably be a huge relief and weight lifted off my shoulders. However some of them may not like it or believe me and if I do do it then I cannot really take it back if it turns out I’m wrong, which is something that greatly worries me. The only reason the idea of it occurred to me is because this is quite an emotional event and the whole family is here, so I could come clean to all of them at once, but now some have already left and the rest are preoccupied with conversations and I don’t really have to guts.

This leads to something that has recently been worrying me. In my first blog posting I came out as gay and I really do believe I’m gay most of the time as I can’t really think of women in a sexual manner. I have a fear however that one day I may actually fall in love with a woman and not be gay and then I’d have to explain everything to the people I came out to that I in fact was not gay, which would not only be an awkward conversation but lead to future distrust of me. This also scares me because I want to be gay. It’s that simple, upon coming out to myself I’ve decided that I do not want to be straight. I want to be in a same-sex relationship and it scares me to think that maybe this is just a phase and that I will not end up with my own Knight in shining armour but with the beautiful princess.

Finally I think that I’ve run my mouth enough for tonight. I’m sorry if it’s a bit short or doesn’t really make sense, though I am writing this at midnight so I hope you can forgive me if that’s the case. Please contact me or leave a comment for any feedback on writing styles or topics and please do give suggestions to what you’d be interested in reading.

Goodnight, John.

my coming out

HOMOPHOBES BEWARE : GAY CONTENT

I’ve recently taken one of my first steps to take control of my life. I came out to my closest friends that I’m gay and I’d like to share my feelings on the topic of coming out and why it isn’t something you should be scared of doing, however, in some cases, should be done with some caution as not everyone will be as accepting.

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself” – Jim Morrison

The first person I told is my closest friend and roommate, Paul. I think that the first step to coming out is to be completely honest with your most trusted friend in your life, whether this is a family member or friend. This is a crucial first step to coming out as it makes it easier to be able to say it to more people. Personally, I had quite a bit of trouble actually saying the word, “gay”. And was stuck saying, “I’m …” a few times before managing to get it out. This isn’t always so simple though as to some it can be thought of as a lie or plea for attention, and then it is confirming it with all honesty that can be very hard especially when you could easily say you weren’t being serious and become stuck in the closet yet again.

Upon telling the first person, it becomes easier to tell the other significant people in your life, for me this was by telling Liam and Jessica. This can be done anywhere, I found that it was easier to say when we were alone. And in my opinion, I should be told in person as it is a large step in embracing the new and better (cringe, I know) person you become.

The Next Step

I can’t say much more about the topic yet, as I still have to do so much more to complete, in my own coming out experience. This will probably be telling all my friends gradually and finally, once I summoned up as much courage as I possibly can, my family.

Please tell me about your own coming out experiences (if you aren’t straight), if you feel like it would help you as I always find that it is easier to deal with something when you have someone to tell and talk to about it. Thank you for reading my blog and be sure to share it with friends or family.