how it feels, a year later

Just over a week ago, I wrote a post on the “one year anniversary” of me accepting/realising that I was gay. On that day I rewatched the movie that changed my life, Alex Strangelove. On the eleventh of November in 2018, on a Sunday night, I watched that movie and was absolutely hysterical by the end. I will admit, rewatching it a year later, the film no longer had the same impact on me, but I think that’s just because know I’ve known for so long now and since “being gay” I have binged on all types of media depicting gay relationships, the movie being the first. I will also admit that (spoilers incoming) in the end, when Alex grabs Elliott’s wrist and pulls him in to a kiss, that’s got to be one of the best gay kiss scenes I have ever watched.

Now, less on then and more on now. When I wrote the other post, I don’t think I really felt the difference, but this afternoon, whilst doing some art and listening to music, I got lost in my thoughts and this came to mind upon looking at the time on my phone, of which the wallpaper showed the date of the one year anniversary (so I didn’t forget, because, yes I am kind of stupid). I thought about how t didn’t seem like a big deal but then I thought deeper, “Just over a year ago, I thought I was going to fall in love and marry a woman,” and then I looked at my hands, “I thought I wanted to hungrily grasp the body of, not a man, but a woman with these hands.” (Geez, John, getting a bit graphic there, perhaps?). I was completely dumbfounded, my life was massively changed by the simple acceptance of my sexuality and of course, I’ve known and stated this before, but for a while that spark of excitement and happiness had been absent. I think of how I tried to look at women and think, I like that, and how now I naturally check out guys who peak my interest. Thinking harder about this, I remember feeling that I was never going to be normal because for some reason I didn’t enjoy checking out people of the other gender (or any gender for that matter at that point in time) like those around me. I remember being so annoyed that I didn’t seem to be crushing on anyone like the rest of the people in my school, that I was a total outsider. I remember I boy two years above me in my boarding house who was openly gay, when I was thirteen and thinking, wait? and then ignoring that question and joining the other boys in saying homophobic slurs and stereotypes behind his back, though secretly wondering about talking to him. I remember being repulsed by the thought of boys wearing makeup or jewelry and now I feel so much better with these things on me (I’m not crazy with makeup, but I do like a bit of eyeliner). Everything is different and for the better, I am a better person, and finally understand myself and what I am and I look forward to the date that marks my “one year being openly gay” and when I get my first boyfriend, not girlfriend which I thought it would be for so many years.

I hope that anyone in or out of the closet or just straight can read this and feel happy. Knowing myself and then being myself for the first time in 15 years was incredible and unfortunately I had to live those first 15 years as a watered-down version of myself but now I am really me. Thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.