how it feels, a year later

Just over a week ago, I wrote a post on the “one year anniversary” of me accepting/realising that I was gay. On that day I rewatched the movie that changed my life, Alex Strangelove. On the eleventh of November in 2018, on a Sunday night, I watched that movie and was absolutely hysterical by the end. I will admit, rewatching it a year later, the film no longer had the same impact on me, but I think that’s just because know I’ve known for so long now and since “being gay” I have binged on all types of media depicting gay relationships, the movie being the first. I will also admit that (spoilers incoming) in the end, when Alex grabs Elliott’s wrist and pulls him in to a kiss, that’s got to be one of the best gay kiss scenes I have ever watched.

Now, less on then and more on now. When I wrote the other post, I don’t think I really felt the difference, but this afternoon, whilst doing some art and listening to music, I got lost in my thoughts and this came to mind upon looking at the time on my phone, of which the wallpaper showed the date of the one year anniversary (so I didn’t forget, because, yes I am kind of stupid). I thought about how t didn’t seem like a big deal but then I thought deeper, “Just over a year ago, I thought I was going to fall in love and marry a woman,” and then I looked at my hands, “I thought I wanted to hungrily grasp the body of, not a man, but a woman with these hands.” (Geez, John, getting a bit graphic there, perhaps?). I was completely dumbfounded, my life was massively changed by the simple acceptance of my sexuality and of course, I’ve known and stated this before, but for a while that spark of excitement and happiness had been absent. I think of how I tried to look at women and think, I like that, and how now I naturally check out guys who peak my interest. Thinking harder about this, I remember feeling that I was never going to be normal because for some reason I didn’t enjoy checking out people of the other gender (or any gender for that matter at that point in time) like those around me. I remember being so annoyed that I didn’t seem to be crushing on anyone like the rest of the people in my school, that I was a total outsider. I remember I boy two years above me in my boarding house who was openly gay, when I was thirteen and thinking, wait? and then ignoring that question and joining the other boys in saying homophobic slurs and stereotypes behind his back, though secretly wondering about talking to him. I remember being repulsed by the thought of boys wearing makeup or jewelry and now I feel so much better with these things on me (I’m not crazy with makeup, but I do like a bit of eyeliner). Everything is different and for the better, I am a better person, and finally understand myself and what I am and I look forward to the date that marks my “one year being openly gay” and when I get my first boyfriend, not girlfriend which I thought it would be for so many years.

I hope that anyone in or out of the closet or just straight can read this and feel happy. Knowing myself and then being myself for the first time in 15 years was incredible and unfortunately I had to live those first 15 years as a watered-down version of myself but now I am really me. Thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

weird celebrity crushes?

Have you ever watched a movie and just found that one of the actors is really attractive not just because physically they’re gorgeous, but then the character they’re playing has a dress style or has their hair in the way you just like it, so you’re extra into them? And then you do a quick internet search and find that they look surprisingly different as themselves and secretly feel dissapointed, especially after quickly scrolling to their “personal life” section in Wikipedia and finding that they are straight, married and have children! Since accepting that I was gay, I’ve had many small celebrity crushes that just came and went after watching a movie or series. A couple months ago I was really into Paul Rudd (even though he’s much, much older than me, I know) and recently I watched a couple episodes of Teen Wolf and both Dylan O’Brien and Tyler Posey have turned my head on multiple occasions.

Also, this will probably relate more with LGBTQ+ members, but has anyone else noticed how many memes there are that you read and then think, what the hell, that’s exactly what I do? I understand that lots of people are alike and act similarly, but I always considered myself somewhat different and unique (not that it was necessarily in a good way), but the shocking number of random Reddit and Instgram posts that I completely relate with is clearly dissproving my theory of being an outsider. I think my favourite meme is probably one where Lisa Simpson is getting her cup filled with rainbow liquid called “that gay shit”, not only because I’d found it whilst literally doing what the meme was describing, but also because it was one of the first of many memes that I would discover spoke to my heart.

This is not my meme, I take no credit.

Anyway, thanks for reading and see you later.

John.

P.S. comment if you’d like a post about memes specifically, because I think it could be quite fun, but it’s really up to what you want to read.

one of my biggest regrets

Having no idea what I wanted to talk about in today’s blog post, I did the most obvious thing to do in such a situation; I went to the internet for help. I hardly even had to look for an idea, as one of the first search results was: tell a secret about yourself. So keep in mind that between searching for ideas and beginning writing this post there was probably a pause of about half a minute, in which I had to decide which secret I was going to share today with a bunch of people I don’t know. That’s probably what makes this easier, since the secret I’m deciding to tell, I’ve only told 3 people ever and I’ve had it for almost 10 years now. Before I get started, I would like to say that this is definitely not as intense and serious as some secrets can go, but it made quite the impact on my life.

In early 2010, a couple months before my seventh birthday, my family finally moved from Russia after a 6 year posting there due to my parent’s job. I’ve moved around quite a lot since and a bit before, but what made this slightly unusual was that it wasn’t during the summer so it was in the middle of my last school term. Normally the company that my parent works for schedules the moves/transfers inbetween academic years or terms, but this time it wasn’t the case. Having moved to the island of Borneo, I finished my academic year about 2 months later. Here’s where my memory becomes a little foggy, it was either during the summer after the move or we may have been moving during a school holiday, but either way, we were in my parent’s home country and I did one of the stuppidest things in my life ever (other than probably slicing my leg open, but that’s a story for another day). My father used to wear glasses and now my mother does and at the age of just under seven years old, I decided I wanted glasses, even though I didn’t need them. Yep, that’s the secret. Now before you leave this article, please just hear me out. So, some people naturally have bad eye sight and therefore need glasses to correct the way that it recieves light (through refraction) in order to sharpen your vision since your eyes basically aren’t correctly calibrated to receive light. If your eyes are fine then that’s perfect, but if you suddenly start wearing glasses with a real perscription, your eyes will start to change in order to see clearly again whilst you have your glasses on. This then means that without your glasses you can no longer see clearly anymore. That’s what happened to me; I lied about needing glasses and now I can’t see without them. Whether or not I would have needed glasses in the future, I don’t know and that’s what haunts me, essentially, it is possible that I purposely wrecked my eye sight, yay.

Well, that’s my secret, and I hope you enjoyed it, if not I am terribly sorry. See you next time, and remember you can ask or even suggest possible posts for the future as I will accept them with wide arms.

Love, John.

i guess this is just a filler

First of all, apologies for anyone who was displeased or even offended by my last post, it may not have been the most tasteful… Today I don’t have much of a theme for what I want to talk about so I think I’ll just add in some extra details to previous ones that I missed, however believe are somewhat crucial. And I know what you’re thinking, “John, if they’re so crucial for the points you’re trying to get across why didn’t you mention them in the actual post?” My answer to you: I honestly don’t know, though it was probably either I forgot (uhh, so yeah they still are important) or I didn’t feel like sharing it.

The most important detail to a recent post where I spoke about crushes and school. I touched upon school and then crushes, where I briefly spoke of my latest crush. What I neglected to mention though, was that upon falling for him, I realised that he was the first boy that I had ever had a real crush on. I’d known I was gay for almost a year and had suspicions for many years before that, however never crushed on a guy before. In fact, remember when I said, “latest crush”? Well, by latest I meant the first since I was twelve (I’m sixteen now), when I had a crush on one of my at-the-time best friends who was a girl, so yeah, I don’t know what happened there, I think I just semi-forced myself to like a girl to the border of obssesion… Anyway, I guess that crushing for a boy for the first time and him being my first rush in four years opened up something inside me, but it’s not like that matters, I stopped that and you can find out more at that post.

This isn’t much of a post and I am sorry if that dissapoints you, I will try to do better next time. It would be even easier if maybe you could leave a suggestion in the comments, but that’s up to you. Thanks for reading.

John.

i hate time and the sharia law

So, I’ve probably descended into a funk and it sucks. I just read a blog post talking about the sharia law that is implemented in many Islamist countries that lets people have a lot more freedom in finding ways to kill people without being persecuted, simply because these people are only different in the way that they don’t specifically love someone of the other sex alone. I will not go into too much detail, because already I’m out of my depth and don’t know enough about the law and beliefs of Islamists to accurately breakdown what everything means and other stuff (I’m bad with words). All I can and will say is: why? Why would you kill another human being? Does it really matter so much that they don’t follow the specific blueprints that the Qur’an dicates a living human being should be? People aren’t items that can be discarded if they’re considered faulty or wrong, and even then who’s to judge what a “faulty” human is? I really don’t mean to offend anyone, but the main standing point for this, actually any, belief in most religions is from a book written over a millenium ago! When was the last time a true miracle was shown? Why has a God not shown itself, if it’s out there somewhere. Because God is holy and above us, we should simply blindly worship and give our life to serving a being who could not exist… Seriously, ever considered that God is an idea or figment of imagination created by people so many years ago as a means of manipulating and controlling mass populations of people. I happily support anyone that wants to pray to a higher being, to have something to believe in, but there’s a line that sadly has been crossed on multiple, unforgivible occasions.

Honestly, I’m only sixteen and severely under-knowedged on this specific topic but I can’t stand by and do absolutely nothing as innocent people who only want to live their lives are being persecuted to a death sentence. Sometimes I am too shocked by how small-minded such a large percentage of this world’s population is. Even though I despise time and its taunting that everything comes to and end, I do appreciate its attempts in trying to make everyone more equal and though we are obviously still not there, we are closer than we have ever been true equality, whether it be for genders or sexualities, race and so many other silly factors that really mean nothing, since they’re still a person who lives, loves and then eventually dies. It’s so simple.

Once again, apologies if I offended you and there are probably better ways to say what I have written however, every word contains the emotion and fury I have for those ignorant twats who decided to draw the line for which people are to be restricted by. Finally I have nothing more to say since I’ve depleted myself, so bye I guess.

Love, John.

P.S. feel free to share this with anyone, whether they’d oppose or side with me.

crushes and school – gay teen

So I wrote briefly about me starting A-levels this year and I cannot really remember what I said, probably something along the lines of, “EVERYTHING WE WERE TAUGHT LAST YEAR WERE LIES!!!” which still remains true, but then there’s also my stupid ass being dragged along the flow of theses new fast-paced lessons, drowning in the workload, and findng that most of what comes in one ear leaves the other. Yay. In case you couldn’t tell I just had a math test on the first textbook that we had to finish in 6 weeks and I realised a little too late that I was severly under-knowledged on basically everything, because I had to write an essay last night on bloody Van Arkel Triangles so had no time to revise the topics!

Okay – rant over (mostly) – I think I’ll just talk about boys for now instead of thinking about how school sucks and I have a double chemistry lesson in 10 minutes… I had a crush on a new boy that joined my school in the beginning of the academic year (so around Sept.), mainly because he was fresh meat and decent looking. 10 weeks later and I actually can’t stand him. He dropped math sets with me and initially I was thrilled because I still had a crush on him but then I got to know him a bit better, and he’s so annoying and immature and basically super stupid (the one thing we share in common).

Wow, this was a weird post, I can totally understand if you’re not impressed by the lacking in quality today but I will try to make it up to you next time, if you decide to come back… Anyway, thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.