how it feels, a year later

Just over a week ago, I wrote a post on the “one year anniversary” of me accepting/realising that I was gay. On that day I rewatched the movie that changed my life, Alex Strangelove. On the eleventh of November in 2018, on a Sunday night, I watched that movie and was absolutely hysterical by the end. I will admit, rewatching it a year later, the film no longer had the same impact on me, but I think that’s just because know I’ve known for so long now and since “being gay” I have binged on all types of media depicting gay relationships, the movie being the first. I will also admit that (spoilers incoming) in the end, when Alex grabs Elliott’s wrist and pulls him in to a kiss, that’s got to be one of the best gay kiss scenes I have ever watched.

Now, less on then and more on now. When I wrote the other post, I don’t think I really felt the difference, but this afternoon, whilst doing some art and listening to music, I got lost in my thoughts and this came to mind upon looking at the time on my phone, of which the wallpaper showed the date of the one year anniversary (so I didn’t forget, because, yes I am kind of stupid). I thought about how t didn’t seem like a big deal but then I thought deeper, “Just over a year ago, I thought I was going to fall in love and marry a woman,” and then I looked at my hands, “I thought I wanted to hungrily grasp the body of, not a man, but a woman with these hands.” (Geez, John, getting a bit graphic there, perhaps?). I was completely dumbfounded, my life was massively changed by the simple acceptance of my sexuality and of course, I’ve known and stated this before, but for a while that spark of excitement and happiness had been absent. I think of how I tried to look at women and think, I like that, and how now I naturally check out guys who peak my interest. Thinking harder about this, I remember feeling that I was never going to be normal because for some reason I didn’t enjoy checking out people of the other gender (or any gender for that matter at that point in time) like those around me. I remember being so annoyed that I didn’t seem to be crushing on anyone like the rest of the people in my school, that I was a total outsider. I remember I boy two years above me in my boarding house who was openly gay, when I was thirteen and thinking, wait? and then ignoring that question and joining the other boys in saying homophobic slurs and stereotypes behind his back, though secretly wondering about talking to him. I remember being repulsed by the thought of boys wearing makeup or jewelry and now I feel so much better with these things on me (I’m not crazy with makeup, but I do like a bit of eyeliner). Everything is different and for the better, I am a better person, and finally understand myself and what I am and I look forward to the date that marks my “one year being openly gay” and when I get my first boyfriend, not girlfriend which I thought it would be for so many years.

I hope that anyone in or out of the closet or just straight can read this and feel happy. Knowing myself and then being myself for the first time in 15 years was incredible and unfortunately I had to live those first 15 years as a watered-down version of myself but now I am really me. Thanks for reading 🙂

Love, John.

my coming out pt.2

So just over 4 months ago I, John the (now) openly gay teenager, started this blog having finally accepted my sexuality. Wanting to scream to the world about my new self, I started writing a blog talking about it and my life. My second ever post that I made was titled “my coming out“, and in it I talked briefly about how I had started coming out to myself and my friends, but was unable to say anymore because there was nothing more to say since it had only been a few weeks. If you’ve read my other posts recently, then you will know that just over a month ago I outed myself through and Instagram post to all my friends and family. Right now I want to talk about my experience in order so that those still in the closet can find some comfort. This is in no way a justification that coming out is the best thing to do for everyone, because different people are brought up in different communities and with different beliefs. For me I was lucky and privileged to have been brought up in a community that it mostly accepting of gay people and in my past experience I really enjoyed being able to read about others coming out, because in my opinion it is truly a happy moment when one can finally accept themselves for who they are and those around them can do the same.

I previously talked about coming out to my friends and by the end of January, I had set myself a personal challenge of coming out to at least a person a day (keep in mind that my school has around 150 students per year). By doing this, I had finally accomplished being able to say “I am gay” in one quick easy sentence. No straining nor hesitation in saying the word “gay”. Now by the end of February I had come out to all of my friends and if I’m being perfectly honest, I was becoming happier. There was no longer awkward talks about “hot girls” and I was getting closer to a lot of my friends. I’m not exactly sure what took me over on the second of March in the year 2019. I was possibly on a happiness high, but I was sitting behind my computer watching youtube videos when I had the sudden craving to use Instagram. I had an account, but never posted anything. In my mind it was somewhat symbolic: a first post starting a new chapter in my life. So I did it, I thought about the right way to do it for 40 minutes and finally stuck to a completely random photo with a caption saying that I was no longer in the closet. Honestly, you’d be surprised how many followers you can gain in one day when you’re the first to publicly come out in your year.

In the end, everyone was incredibly supportive and my own aunt beat me to the chase of coming out to my parents 😂. This was an amazing experience for me and I don’t regret it, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe and brilliant for everyone to do so. I read this in another posting, I forget its name, but only you know when it’s safe and okay for you to come out, no one else can make that decision for you and you cannot take someone else’s story as incentive for you to do it yourself. Trust me when I say this though, you will know when the time is right 😁